Racket Bracket, Day Six: Santa Brings Nothing But Heartache...and Presents

Well. I knew when I started this little project that it was a tad on the ambitious side. But seriously, I said to myself, how hard can one blog entry per day be? I write for a living! This is exactly like the job I already do, except way more fun and much less of a downer, because I'm ragging on Christmas music instead of exhorting dictators to stop electrocuting children. (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, BAHRAIN!)

Anyway. It turns out that keeping to a one-post-a-day schedule is apparently very taxing, but I'm trying to make amends! Time to flood the blog with updates, starting with "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" and "Santa Baby." Ready...go!

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

In a word: Dark.

Select lyrics:

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

Defining characteristics: An inexplicable lack of discussion about whether or not Grandpa has an alibi

Evaluation: This is one of those songs that is so annoying that it sort of crosses back over into likeability. But man, is it dark. Much in the same way that "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is actually about the mom kissing the dad, "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" is actually about grandpa pulling off the crime of the century and pinning it on old Saint Nick. Good Lord, between the alleged homewrecking and the alleged MURDER, why does anyone actively invite Santa into their home anymore?

But the family in this song really needs to bear more of the blame here. First of all, the entire reason Grandma is traversing the street alone on Christmas Eve is that she forgot her medication. She was also drunk off eggnog. WHO LET GRANDMA MIX BOOZE AND PILLS?! Jesus Christ, guys, that's the first thing they teach you NOT to do in Caring For the Elderly 101. Second thing: don't let inebriated (or even non-inebriated) grandparents walk home alone through the snow. Although your normal worst-case scenario would be something along the lines of a broken hip, sometimes things take a sinister turn and you get run down by a mythical creature and his flying livestock. Or, you know, your husband kills you. Because the song is ABOUT GRANDPA THE EVIL GENIUS OMG SOMEONE ARREST HIM ALREADY.

Instead of calling in Hercule Poirot to drop some sassy bon mots and wrap this up in between turkey and presents, the family just carries on with the holiday, with Grandpa "watchin' football, drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle." This is pretty disturbing in and of itself, but the music video accompanying the song make it even weirder and sort of incesty. Please tell me that cousin Belle is actually "cousin" Belle and is not technically related to anyone in this family, because otherwise it is very possible that Grandpa offed his wife to run off with his granddaughter.

Bet your family looks pretty good now, huh?


Santa Baby

In a word: Suggestive.

Select lyrics:

Santa honey, I want a yacht and really that's
Not a lot
I've been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed
To a platinum mine
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Defining characteristics: Sex sex sex sex sex. And also materialism.

Evaluation: Taylor Swift does a cover of this song. Just let that sink in for a minute.

Ariana Grande also does one, apparently. I have no idea who Ariana Grande is, but I know that she looks like she's about fourteen and the idea of her singing this song makes me distinctly uncomfortable, although not as uncomfortable as the whole Grandpa-Cousin Belle thing.

Anyway, this song was not initially on my list of annoying music. I'll grant that this song is highly problematic, especially Madonna's sexy baby voice version, but I don't personally find it super annoying; I added it to the list as a concession to one of the co-workers I consulted during the list-making process. If you'll recall, my sole Christmas song rule is that adults can't sing songs meant to be sung by kids. His one rule is that Christmas songs should not try to make Christmas sexy. "Christmas is not a sexy holiday!" he insisted. Well, maybe not compared to Valentine's Day; in comparison with something like Groundhog Day it's downright smutteriffic. But point taken.

Anyway, if you don't like the idea of A Very Sexxxy Christmas then you will surely despise "Santa Baby," whose basic premise is "I like presents, and I like sex. How can I use one to obtain the other?" It's all very wink-wink-nudge-nudge, but it's there nevertheless. Merry Christmas, kids! Between this, Grandpa, and Cousin Belle, it's shaping up to be a very traumatic--or at least confusing--holiday.
Final verdict: Both of these songs are pretty terrible for obvious reasons, and yet...I sort of like both of them. If I have to pick one, though, it's "Grandma" for the win.

Tomorrow (or, more accurately, an hour from now because I'm still catching up): Neil Diamond's "Hallelujah" versus Sarah McLachlan's "The First Noel/Mary Mary."