I saw The Hunger Games yesterday and while I thoroughly enjoyed it, I couldn't help but notice that it's pretty much a textbook example of every annoying movie plot device cliché ever. Let me break it down for you (i.e. here come the spoilers, watch out).
"Sneaky" Exposition
Except it was not sneaky and was in fact so bad that I laughed, which is probably not the appropriate response when Stanley Tucci is telling you about a way in which the protagonist and a bunch of extras may die painfully.
Basically any time a character in a movie utters the phrase "For those of you who don't know..." you know you're about to get some exposition dropped on yo' ass. And it was just so clunkily done here. I get that we've gotta establish this whole other world and there was no convenient way to really introduce it (a la Harry Potter's Muggle upbringing), since all the characters are supposed to have grown up being familiar with it, but that's exactly what makes this so annoying: ALL THE CHARACTERS HAVE GROWN UP WITH THIS. They know what Tracker Jackers are. They don't need it explained to them by Caesar Flickerman, even if (especially if) he prefaces it with, "As many of you know..." If they KNOW it, why would you TELL them? You, sir, are wasting precious Hunger Games screen time!
Also, the fact that they pretty much just broke the fourth wall to do it made it even worse. The line should have been something like, "Hey, you, person who got dragged here by your Hunger-Games-obsessed friend/family member/significant other: here's what you need to know in order for this next part to make sense. Not that you care! Please, resume your 'subtle' texting!" I mean, really.
Refrigerator Logic
For those of you who don't know (gee, doesn't that sound familiar?) "refrigerator logic" is the TV term for plot devices that no one questions as long as they're caught up in the action, but which become obvious after the show is over (and the viewer realizes it while rooting through the fridge for a snack--hence, refrigerator logic). The most glaring example of this was when Katniss is comforting a dying Rue, who asks plaintively, "Did you blow up the food?" Since Katniss did, in fact, just blow up the food, we all kind of go along with it until we realize that a.) Rue and Katniss's plan did not involve blowing up the food, and b.) Rue obviously didn't see Katniss blow up the food, otherwise she wouldn't have had to ask in the first place.
My roommate pointed out that Rue probably heard the explosion, but this is the Hunger Games. They already had a giant rushing wall of fire and there are cannon blasts happening all the time when people bite it, so I don't think Rue would necessarily assume that random loud explosions in the arena were automatically connected to Katniss somehow. So wouldn't Rue have just asked if Katniss had managed to destroy the supplies? Or steal something? That was the original plan, after all. But I guess when you're gasping out your last words, every syllable counts, especially when the scriptwriters seem to believe that the audience is about as smart as a gerbil or something.
McGuffins galore
McGuffins, which are basically events or objects that just sort of happen in order to drive the plot forward, were just popping up in droves here. But the movie kind of turned this on its head by acknowledging that the Hunger Games are basically one big McGuffin machine. You've got a bunch of people (presumably sociopaths) sitting around in a room devising horrible ways to kill children. So if your movie's been a bit slow for awhile, dealing with emotions and all that nonsense, and you want a big action scene, you just write a bit in which your control room people decide to, oh, I don't know, set the forest on fire or conjure mutant dogs out of leaves or something.
Deus Ex Machina
See above, re: sociopaths in the control room. Bam. Done. Instant action-packed plot!
Also, it's not strictly a plot device, but there was a makeover scene in which the female protagonist gets waxed. This is such a movie makeover staple that someone needs to just make a giant supercut of it a la "Women Falling Down in Romantic Comedies" and throw it on youtube. Swear to God, when Cinna came in and greeted Katniss with "That was the bravest thing I've ever seen" I thought he was talking about her withstanding the hardship of having every hair on her body yanked out by the root. But then he clarified that he was talking about her volunteering as tribute and I was like, "Oh, yeah, that probably makes more sense."
But seriously. Every hair. By the root. And you thought starving to death in a government-operated fight to the death was bad.
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Sunday, December 6, 2009
It's hard to write a title when your post is this random.
Oh, well, look, isn't the Dartmouth campus just beautiful all covered in snow after yesterday's first snow of the season?
No. No, it is not.
I have come to the conclusion that there is a distinct difference between snowing and just plain snow. I like the former. The latter can go straight to Hades. (I know that that's not possible for snow, being melty and all. But I can fantasize.)
So while last night was beautiful and all silent-night-holy-night-y, today I'm left with some dirty gray crud all over the ground, making it impossible to walk anywhere without running the risk of slipping and falling and looking like a tool that hasn't lived in New England for the past 20-odd years.
Before the snow came along to liven up my travels with all the risks associated with walking on it, however, I had to find other ways to entertain myself as I walked around campus. "Haven't you ever heard of an iPod, Renée?" you might say. Well yes, snarky inquisitor, I have. But it's hard to listen to your iPod when you consistently leave it at home. And while phone calls are a good way to pass the time, they don't work so well when the potential recipient of your call is already most likely asleep. (No good conversation begins with, "Did I wake you up?" "...Yes.")
At any rate, I had to make my own traveling fun. And so I came up with the following: three word movie summaries. Try it the next time you're in line to badger Santa with your increasingly selfish and elaborate list of Christmas demands. It's actually quite challenging and relatively amusing. (Not as amusing as, say, a phone call or a Lady Gaga song, but whatever.)
Pride and Prejudice: First impressions lie.
The Princess Bride: True love forever!
The Silence of the Lambs: Cannibals know everything.
Bend It Like Beckham: Hey! Soccer's fun!
Dune: Get the spice!
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End: What. The. Hell.
Pursuit of Happyness: Being poor sucks.
I Am Legend: I am angsty.
Crash: Everyone is racist.
Atonement: Liars kill people.
Roman Holiday: Italy is romantic.
See? Fun! And simple! I need simplicity after the term from hell. And finals. And after writing my literary theory paper about class consciousness and patriarchy in Gilmore Girls. Seriously, I will never be able to watch a Friday Night Dinner scene again without contemplating Rory's deep entrenchment in the middle class. I think I may have ruined (for the foreseeable future, anyway) this show for myself. Or made it more interesting. I'm not sure yet.
At any rate, I'm finished until March (woohoo!), at which point I will begin taking all my classes in French (oh $#!%). The bright side to that is that I'll actually be in France, which is I guess sort of a consolation prize for the major confusion I will be most likely be suffering at that time.
And Christmas is coming! The goose is getting fat! Please put a penny in the old man's hat! (What, really? I'm the only one that knows that song?) Except if you're going to put a penny anywhere, could you maybe put it in my Bank of America account? Kappa Delta dues really cleaned me out this term.
If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do. And as the song says (I'm paraphrasing here), if you haven't got a ha'penny get the hell out of the way, you're of no use to me.
Aaaannnd merry Christmas.
No. No, it is not.
I have come to the conclusion that there is a distinct difference between snowing and just plain snow. I like the former. The latter can go straight to Hades. (I know that that's not possible for snow, being melty and all. But I can fantasize.)
So while last night was beautiful and all silent-night-holy-night-y, today I'm left with some dirty gray crud all over the ground, making it impossible to walk anywhere without running the risk of slipping and falling and looking like a tool that hasn't lived in New England for the past 20-odd years.
Before the snow came along to liven up my travels with all the risks associated with walking on it, however, I had to find other ways to entertain myself as I walked around campus. "Haven't you ever heard of an iPod, Renée?" you might say. Well yes, snarky inquisitor, I have. But it's hard to listen to your iPod when you consistently leave it at home. And while phone calls are a good way to pass the time, they don't work so well when the potential recipient of your call is already most likely asleep. (No good conversation begins with, "Did I wake you up?" "...Yes.")
At any rate, I had to make my own traveling fun. And so I came up with the following: three word movie summaries. Try it the next time you're in line to badger Santa with your increasingly selfish and elaborate list of Christmas demands. It's actually quite challenging and relatively amusing. (Not as amusing as, say, a phone call or a Lady Gaga song, but whatever.)
Pride and Prejudice: First impressions lie.
The Princess Bride: True love forever!
The Silence of the Lambs: Cannibals know everything.
Bend It Like Beckham: Hey! Soccer's fun!
Dune: Get the spice!
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End: What. The. Hell.
Pursuit of Happyness: Being poor sucks.
I Am Legend: I am angsty.
Crash: Everyone is racist.
Atonement: Liars kill people.
Roman Holiday: Italy is romantic.
See? Fun! And simple! I need simplicity after the term from hell. And finals. And after writing my literary theory paper about class consciousness and patriarchy in Gilmore Girls. Seriously, I will never be able to watch a Friday Night Dinner scene again without contemplating Rory's deep entrenchment in the middle class. I think I may have ruined (for the foreseeable future, anyway) this show for myself. Or made it more interesting. I'm not sure yet.
At any rate, I'm finished until March (woohoo!), at which point I will begin taking all my classes in French (oh $#!%). The bright side to that is that I'll actually be in France, which is I guess sort of a consolation prize for the major confusion I will be most likely be suffering at that time.
And Christmas is coming! The goose is getting fat! Please put a penny in the old man's hat! (What, really? I'm the only one that knows that song?) Except if you're going to put a penny anywhere, could you maybe put it in my Bank of America account? Kappa Delta dues really cleaned me out this term.
If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do. And as the song says (I'm paraphrasing here), if you haven't got a ha'penny get the hell out of the way, you're of no use to me.
Aaaannnd merry Christmas.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Them Talkies Sure Are Swell!
More movies you should or should not see in your spare time.
The Bucket List
See it if you must. I mean, it was somewhat better than I expected, but I'm not about to rush out and buy it on DVD. Basically Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson are both dying (in the movie, not in real life!!! Calm down, for Pete's sake!!!) and they make a list of stuff to accomplish before they die. Or, rather, Morgan Freeman makes a list which Jack Nicholson then steals and edits to suit his own purposes. Madcap adventures ensue. We can learn several lessons from this movie:
- Don't be an ass about the way you manage your hospitals, because karma dictates that you yourself will soon be hospitalized in one of those dumps.
- Always check the weather before attempting to hike in the Himalayas.
- Men: when a woman much younger than you (and when I say "much younger" I mean "could be your granddaughter") hits on you in some random Asian bar, assume that your friend sent her.
- Ladies: if your husband has heart problems and you suddenly cannot find him, do not assume that he is "hiding." He is actually lying on the ground behind the bed convulsing just out of your frame of vision.
- When you have a terminal illness, abandoning your family to travel the world with some rando will kind of piss them off.
- Ditto for hiring guys to make your daughter's husband "disappear."
Dune
Long, confusing, and really, really weird. Jess and I only managed to make it through the movie because Jess's mom happened to be watching with us and explaining all the plot points (if, in fact, there actually were any). The basic idea, I guess, was that that in the deserts of Arrackis there is some kind of valuable spice and that interplanetary economy and politics were controlled by the mining thereof. I think that's what it was, anyway. And then there was...Paul. And he had dreams that were actually visions. And the bad guys (led by Sting and Creepy Fat Guy) killed his father...or, no, wait. Somebody (the Traitor...with a capital T) implanted a fake tooth in Paul's dad's head so he could kill the bad guy leader (aka Creepy Fat Guy) by biting down on it and blowing the poison inside said fake tooth (because who wants a fake tooth if it's not full of poisonous gases?) into the bad guy's face, thus killing him. However, Paul's dad, being apparently not the brightest bulb in the bunch, blows the poison into the face of the bad guy's minion, not the leader, thus pissing the bad guy off even more but not accomplishing much else other than that. (Seriously, Paul's Dad, what kind of leader are you that you can't even tell the difference between your arch enemy and his minion?! Really?!)
Anyway, Paul has been creepily dreaming about some girl, and he finally meets her and is all, "I've dreeeeeeamed about you (creepily)!" And the girl's all, "Really? Sweet. Let's make out." Meanwhile, her tribe or whatever makes Paul's pregnant mom their leader, she gives birth, and they ask Paul and his mother to teach them "the Weirding Way," not necessarily in that order. (Apparently, Paul and his mom are of Weirding descent, which is I guess some sort of race or ethnicity or something, and they have special powers. Can I just say though - the Weirding Way? Really?!) Anyway, Paul's sister is creepy and her facial features glow blue, which is - sadly enough - probably the least creepy thing about her. Seriously, I'm going to have a nightmare about her one of these days.
But yeah. Oh, I forgot to mention that Paul has managed to defeat/control the giant sandworms (think those giant sandworms in Beetlejuice) that live in the desert and prevent the easy acquisition of that pesky spice. (I italicize "spice" because that's how everyone always said it in the movie, with a really obvious emphasis, in case the audience hadn't yet realized that the spice was important to the movie.) I also forgot that every time any character had a thought, it was represented by a close-up of their face and an intense whispering voiceover.
But after speaking to other people in their heads for awhile (because that's the Weirding Way, natch), Paul, his mom, and his creepy sister manage to defeat the bad guys and make it rain on the planet Arrackis, which was apparently the goal all along (or not...? It's hard to tell. Plus I was pretty tired by that point.).
This movie literally changed my life. For example, using Arrackis as a metaphor for a middle eastern country like, oh, Iraq, I surmised that someday our crazy competition over the resources (the oil) there will lead to interplanetary--or at least international--warfare (oh, wait...). I also learned that whispering your thoughts in a very intense, urgent manner is always amusing. Jessalyn and I spent a good while practicing our own version of the Weirding Way:
Jess: Wow, I'm tired.
Me: I wonder what I'll have for lunch tomorrow.
Jess: I don't understand this movie.
Me: What exactly is "the Weirding Way?"
And so on. And then we imdb'd it and were amazed at its moderately good rating. Crazy stuff, man. Crazy stuff.
Roman Holiday
Ever since I saw To Kill A Mockingbird, I've loved Gregory Peck. My one question about Roman Holiday is this: WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG TO SEE IT?!
Gregory Peck = LOVE. I only wish I'd been born like 70 years earlier.
Splendor in the Grass
As much as I love Gregory Peck in Roman Holiday (or, okay, anything), that's how much I hated Bud's dad. My hatred for him is rivaled only by my hatred for Deanie's manipulative psycho-bitch of a mother. I hated her even more than Bud's dad, who earned points with me when he threw himself off a building. I spent most of the movie yelling "SHUT UP!!!" at the screen whenever either he or Mrs. Loomis was present.
Other than that, Splendor in the Grass was all right. It's one of Mich's favorite movies, and I will admit that Warren Beatty was quite the looker back in the day, and that Natalie Wood really has the whole "crazy eyes" thing down pat. It was okay, I thought. Not my new favorite (sorry, Mich), but okay.
Rachel Getting Married
It was good. It would have been better if it had been about 20 minutes shorter--there was way too much uninteresting footage of extras dancing around, etc., but the movie really made you feel excited, like you were one of the wedding guests, and Anne Hathaway's performance was incredible. It was such a different role for her, and I hope to see her in other interesting roles (ie, not the cookie-cutter good-girl princessy roles she's been wont to play in the past...the Princess Diaries, Ella Enchanted, etc. I am excluding Brokeback Mountain, of course, but she was only a background player there.)
Anyway, the movie's billed, I believe, as a "dark comedy," but it's definitely a drama. I didn't really laugh, but I definitely cried. And not just because I had a giant blister on my foot from using the walk to the movie theatre to break in my new boots.
Girl With A Pearl Earring
Yes, I finally saw it!!! Colin Firth was as sexy as sin, but other than that it was nothing special. I didn't really pay attention, to tell you the truth. The cinematography wasn't bad, but all in all the movie wasn't anything to write home about.
Little Miss Sunshine
I know, everyone and their mom has already seen this, but I finally got around to watching it over winter break--and it was nothing like I'd expected. It was funny, heartbreaking, touching, etc., etc., etc. If you haven't seen it yet, do it. Do it now.
The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice
Ridiculous. It involved Noah Wyle going around like an Indiana Jones knockoff, being all, "Hello, ladies, I'm a librarian."
Ladies: SWOON!!!
No, seriously. And he was trying to stop some sort of evil plot involving (you guessed it) the Judas chalice, the chalice Christ supposedly drank from at the last supper. And he's helped by some French chick who turns out to be - gasp! - a vampire! Just like the bad guy! Just like his minions! And just like Judas (allegedly). And then they got betrayed by someone - I don't remember who - and then at the end Noah Wyle's vampire lover kills herself by sitting with him on a bench at sunrise (which incinerates her, for those who aren't up on their vampire lore).
And there was a guy who kept calling Noah Wyle "Mistah Pro-fessah Man," which was demeaning on so many levels. Come on, now, people.
And I think that's about it...for now.
The Bucket List
See it if you must. I mean, it was somewhat better than I expected, but I'm not about to rush out and buy it on DVD. Basically Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson are both dying (in the movie, not in real life!!! Calm down, for Pete's sake!!!) and they make a list of stuff to accomplish before they die. Or, rather, Morgan Freeman makes a list which Jack Nicholson then steals and edits to suit his own purposes. Madcap adventures ensue. We can learn several lessons from this movie:
- Don't be an ass about the way you manage your hospitals, because karma dictates that you yourself will soon be hospitalized in one of those dumps.
- Always check the weather before attempting to hike in the Himalayas.
- Men: when a woman much younger than you (and when I say "much younger" I mean "could be your granddaughter") hits on you in some random Asian bar, assume that your friend sent her.
- Ladies: if your husband has heart problems and you suddenly cannot find him, do not assume that he is "hiding." He is actually lying on the ground behind the bed convulsing just out of your frame of vision.
- When you have a terminal illness, abandoning your family to travel the world with some rando will kind of piss them off.
- Ditto for hiring guys to make your daughter's husband "disappear."
Dune
Long, confusing, and really, really weird. Jess and I only managed to make it through the movie because Jess's mom happened to be watching with us and explaining all the plot points (if, in fact, there actually were any). The basic idea, I guess, was that that in the deserts of Arrackis there is some kind of valuable spice and that interplanetary economy and politics were controlled by the mining thereof. I think that's what it was, anyway. And then there was...Paul. And he had dreams that were actually visions. And the bad guys (led by Sting and Creepy Fat Guy) killed his father...or, no, wait. Somebody (the Traitor...with a capital T) implanted a fake tooth in Paul's dad's head so he could kill the bad guy leader (aka Creepy Fat Guy) by biting down on it and blowing the poison inside said fake tooth (because who wants a fake tooth if it's not full of poisonous gases?) into the bad guy's face, thus killing him. However, Paul's dad, being apparently not the brightest bulb in the bunch, blows the poison into the face of the bad guy's minion, not the leader, thus pissing the bad guy off even more but not accomplishing much else other than that. (Seriously, Paul's Dad, what kind of leader are you that you can't even tell the difference between your arch enemy and his minion?! Really?!)
Anyway, Paul has been creepily dreaming about some girl, and he finally meets her and is all, "I've dreeeeeeamed about you (creepily)!" And the girl's all, "Really? Sweet. Let's make out." Meanwhile, her tribe or whatever makes Paul's pregnant mom their leader, she gives birth, and they ask Paul and his mother to teach them "the Weirding Way," not necessarily in that order. (Apparently, Paul and his mom are of Weirding descent, which is I guess some sort of race or ethnicity or something, and they have special powers. Can I just say though - the Weirding Way? Really?!) Anyway, Paul's sister is creepy and her facial features glow blue, which is - sadly enough - probably the least creepy thing about her. Seriously, I'm going to have a nightmare about her one of these days.
But yeah. Oh, I forgot to mention that Paul has managed to defeat/control the giant sandworms (think those giant sandworms in Beetlejuice) that live in the desert and prevent the easy acquisition of that pesky spice. (I italicize "spice" because that's how everyone always said it in the movie, with a really obvious emphasis, in case the audience hadn't yet realized that the spice was important to the movie.) I also forgot that every time any character had a thought, it was represented by a close-up of their face and an intense whispering voiceover.
But after speaking to other people in their heads for awhile (because that's the Weirding Way, natch), Paul, his mom, and his creepy sister manage to defeat the bad guys and make it rain on the planet Arrackis, which was apparently the goal all along (or not...? It's hard to tell. Plus I was pretty tired by that point.).
This movie literally changed my life. For example, using Arrackis as a metaphor for a middle eastern country like, oh, Iraq, I surmised that someday our crazy competition over the resources (the oil) there will lead to interplanetary--or at least international--warfare (oh, wait...). I also learned that whispering your thoughts in a very intense, urgent manner is always amusing. Jessalyn and I spent a good while practicing our own version of the Weirding Way:
Jess: Wow, I'm tired.
Me: I wonder what I'll have for lunch tomorrow.
Jess: I don't understand this movie.
Me: What exactly is "the Weirding Way?"
And so on. And then we imdb'd it and were amazed at its moderately good rating. Crazy stuff, man. Crazy stuff.
Roman Holiday
Ever since I saw To Kill A Mockingbird, I've loved Gregory Peck. My one question about Roman Holiday is this: WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG TO SEE IT?!
Gregory Peck = LOVE. I only wish I'd been born like 70 years earlier.
Splendor in the Grass
As much as I love Gregory Peck in Roman Holiday (or, okay, anything), that's how much I hated Bud's dad. My hatred for him is rivaled only by my hatred for Deanie's manipulative psycho-bitch of a mother. I hated her even more than Bud's dad, who earned points with me when he threw himself off a building. I spent most of the movie yelling "SHUT UP!!!" at the screen whenever either he or Mrs. Loomis was present.
Other than that, Splendor in the Grass was all right. It's one of Mich's favorite movies, and I will admit that Warren Beatty was quite the looker back in the day, and that Natalie Wood really has the whole "crazy eyes" thing down pat. It was okay, I thought. Not my new favorite (sorry, Mich), but okay.
Rachel Getting Married
It was good. It would have been better if it had been about 20 minutes shorter--there was way too much uninteresting footage of extras dancing around, etc., but the movie really made you feel excited, like you were one of the wedding guests, and Anne Hathaway's performance was incredible. It was such a different role for her, and I hope to see her in other interesting roles (ie, not the cookie-cutter good-girl princessy roles she's been wont to play in the past...the Princess Diaries, Ella Enchanted, etc. I am excluding Brokeback Mountain, of course, but she was only a background player there.)
Anyway, the movie's billed, I believe, as a "dark comedy," but it's definitely a drama. I didn't really laugh, but I definitely cried. And not just because I had a giant blister on my foot from using the walk to the movie theatre to break in my new boots.
Girl With A Pearl Earring
Yes, I finally saw it!!! Colin Firth was as sexy as sin, but other than that it was nothing special. I didn't really pay attention, to tell you the truth. The cinematography wasn't bad, but all in all the movie wasn't anything to write home about.
Little Miss Sunshine
I know, everyone and their mom has already seen this, but I finally got around to watching it over winter break--and it was nothing like I'd expected. It was funny, heartbreaking, touching, etc., etc., etc. If you haven't seen it yet, do it. Do it now.
The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice
Ridiculous. It involved Noah Wyle going around like an Indiana Jones knockoff, being all, "Hello, ladies, I'm a librarian."
Ladies: SWOON!!!
No, seriously. And he was trying to stop some sort of evil plot involving (you guessed it) the Judas chalice, the chalice Christ supposedly drank from at the last supper. And he's helped by some French chick who turns out to be - gasp! - a vampire! Just like the bad guy! Just like his minions! And just like Judas (allegedly). And then they got betrayed by someone - I don't remember who - and then at the end Noah Wyle's vampire lover kills herself by sitting with him on a bench at sunrise (which incinerates her, for those who aren't up on their vampire lore).
And there was a guy who kept calling Noah Wyle "Mistah Pro-fessah Man," which was demeaning on so many levels. Come on, now, people.
And I think that's about it...for now.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
In the Future, Everyone Will Critique Famous Things for Fifteen Minutes
August is depressing. It means that the summer is half over.
The summer is HALF OVER, and I've only been to the beach three times! (And of the three, I only actually went swimming twice, because the first time I went - with Maria and Ashley in June - it was raining and cold and we just walked along avoiding all the fishermen and then went out to lunch.)
So, to clear up the mid-summer slump, here are various opinions on various multimedia productions (TV shows, music videos, and movies).
Since Jess and I both had yesterday off, we got together to veg out since we haven't done the whole "we're-best-friends-so-let's-get-together-and-do-nothing" thing in awhile. Since one of us was broke and the other was stingy, we sat in my family room and watched TV/movies for five-and-a-half hours, whilst eating leftover stroganoff, DiGiorno pizza, and Betty Crocker brownies that we baked (using applesauce instead of vegetable oil because I didn't have enough oil left).
Anyway, we took in such cinematic gems as:
The Rescuers Down Under
Fun children's movie that we watched in order to fulfill our poking fun/reminiscing quota for the week. Joanna the strange lizard was creepy. Frank - the other smaller, less creepy, not-evil strange lizard - was rather annoying. I think kids would've liked him, though, which was the point I guess. The villain was one-dimensional and stupid, and are we really supposed to believe that his giant tree-crushing, cage-carrying vehicle (I hesitate to actually label it a "truck" because it was oh-so-much-more than that) somehow managed to escape the notice of the Australian authorities? Come on, now.
I liked the Australian non-mouse. (In lieu of actually figuring out what type of animal he was supposed to be, I just call him "the non-mouse.") And of course, I liked Bernard and Bianca simply because I liked them when I was a kid.
Jess and I decided it would be fun to count the Australian stereotypes in the movie. We got up to four and gave up because they were coming in so quickly that we couldn't possibly keep track of both the plots and the stereotypes. A few highlights, though:
1. Bad accents (or, in the case of the Australian boy, disappearing accents)
2. Non-essential shot of the Sydney Opera House
3. House in the middle of the Outback for no reason whatsoever
4. Stereotypical Australian hat for stereotypical Australian authority in the form of The Non-Mouse
5. There was lassoing involved
6. Cameo appearances by kangaroos, koalas, wombats (ahhh! so cute!) and other Australian animals that really served no purpose except to remind everyone that "hey, in case you guys forgot, we're in Australia!"
7. Excessive overuse of the word "mate" and phrases like "g'day!"
8. Even more excessive use of a didgeridoo. Like every three-and-a-half seconds.
Come on. I've done my googling; I know that Aussies have way cooler slang words than "mate" and "g'day." Although you probably can't use a lot of them in a G-rated Disney movie.
After the Rescuers had done all their rescuing to a rockin' didgeridoo soundtrack, we watched some music videos on MTVH. (I don't know what the H stands for. This channel comes somewhere in between MTV and MTV2.)
Selected commentary:
Veronicas' Song That I Forget The Name Of
Jess: They're twins. They look exactly the same...and they sound the same too. ... Wait, are they holding hands with that guy or with each other?
(In case you were windering...it was the latter.)
Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl"
Me (for the umpteenth time): This song is so stupid. I hate it. And everyone only sings those two lines -
Jess: "I kissed a girl and I liked i-it/The taste of her cherry chapstick..."
Tracey (having just come in): This is creepy. I don't like this.
Jess: But at the end she wakes up with her boyfriend, so it's okay.
...
Tracey: I don't like it. It's weird.
Video of Guys We Thought Might Be Metro Station But Turned Out Not to Be
Jess (making up her own lyrics): Oooh, we're greasy, ooh, we need shampoo-ooo...
Me: Is that Metro Station?
Jess: I dunno. They need to wash their hair.
Me (as video ends): Oh, that wasn't Metro Station.
Jess (as clip of Metro Station is shown): Doesn't matter; Metro Station needs a bath, too.
Miley Cyrus's "Seven Things" or whatever it's called
Jess: Eew, Miley Cyrus.
Me: Eeew.
Jess: This song is so spazzy.
Me: Huh.
...
Me: I don't want to, but I kind of like it. And I like her outfit. I want it. Especially those knee sock things.
Jess: She's not wearing knee socks.
Me: Whatever kind of socks they are. I like them.
The Pussycat Dolls' "When I Grow Up"
Jess: Look, it's their signature dance move: the Boob Thrust!
Me: The what?!
Jess: Well, what else would you call that?
Me: Yeah, you're right.
Alicia Keyes's "Superwoman"
Jess: Wait, I'm confused. Is she ALL of these people?
Me: Look, we know it's an Alicia Keyes video, because there's the piano.
Jess: Well, when your last name is "Keyes," if you're gonna play an instrument it sorta has to be a piano. ... At least this isn't as annoying as that song she sings, the one you hate because you say it sounds like she's straining her voice.
Me: No one, no one, no wuh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhn...blech.
Jess: Ohmigod, they're REAL PEOPLE!
Me: That's so cool!
Jess: Wow.
Me: That was an inspiring music video. Good on you, Alicia Keyes.
Danity Kane's "Bad Girl"
Jess: They're just like the Pussycat Dolls. Look, they even do the Boob Thrust! Although, it's not quite as intense as the Pussycat Dolls'.
Me: That girl kinda looks like Christina Aguilara.
Jess: No, she doesn't.
Me: Yuh-huh!
Jess: Just 'cause she's blonde?
Me: She looks like her, okay?
Jess: Ooooo-kay...
Random Good Charlotte video
Jess: This had no plot. If videos don't have plot, I get really bored.
Girl Jess Thought Was Avril Lavigne But Wasn't
Jess: Is that Avril Lavigne?
Me: No.
Jess: I thought for a second this was "Sk8r Boi."
Me: It's not.
Jess: What is she wearing? I don't like it.
Me: I can't say as I'm a fan of her eye makeup. She's blonde and it's too dark.
Jess: I don't think she can pull off those aviator sunglasses.
Me: She just keeps striking out as far as eye fashion goes.
...
Me: She kinda looks like Christina Aguilara, too.
Jess: Do you say that about EVERYONE?!
Nelly's "Ride Wit Me"
Jess: Ride WIT Me. Not WITH me. Huh.
Jess and Me: ?
Me (on seeing one of Nelly's posse picking up a newly-married hitchhiker): Well, that bodes well for the marriage.
Jess: ?
Me: ?
Jess: What is this video even about?
Me: They're...partying...and blowing stuff up? Why?
Jess: You ever notice how girls in rap videos don't even have to be pretty, as long as they have this (gestures) going on?
Rhianna's "Disturbia"
Jess: Wow. This is kiund of creepy and...disturbing. I guess it goes with the song, then.
Kate Nash's "Foundation"
Me: OH MY GOD, I LOVE KATE NASH!!!
Jess and Tracey: ...
Jess (in reference to Kate's video boyfriend eating the decorations off her cake): That's so annoying.
Me: Just wait, she'll do what you've been wanting to do since you first saw that shot.
Jess: She slaps his hand?!
Me (as Kate slaps video BF's hand): There it is.
Jess (at the end): Wow, Kate Nash, tell it like it is.
Okay, moving on. Today I finally saw MAMMA MIA! It. Was. Awesome.
Everyone was raving about Meryl Streep's performance, and I was all, "She's doing a good job, but she's not above and beyond the rest of the cast or anything." UNTIL..."The Winner Takes It All." She was AMAZING. I got chills and teared up. Seriously.
Unfortunately for me - MAJOR SPOILER ALERT. If you haven't yet seen Mamma Mia!, don't read this paragraph. At all. So yeah, unfortunately for me, MICHELLE LIED TO ME. I asked her if Colin Firth is the gay guy, and SHE SAID NO. She lied. (Tracey: "In Michelle's defense, she doesn't even know who Colin Firth is.") Doesn't matter, though; I still loved him. The entire cast was fantastic, in fact. I haven't seen the show on stage, but I thought the movie was great - well-cast, fun, touching, and only a little cheesy (but every musical has its cheesy moments).
So, yeah, the only sad part was not being able to get up in the theatre and sing and dance along with the movie. When it comes out on DVD, I am totally having a viewing/sing-along party. Totally. I will even provide hairbrushes for my guests to use as imaginary microphones.
TV:
Tonight's episode of Psych was good. Not awesome. Too little Shawn/Jules stuff. And where was Shawn's dad? Besides the flashback at the beginning, he wasn't in the episode at all. I sorta missed the old killjoy. (Although, in his case, "killjoy" most likely translates to "voice of logic.")
A nice thing - I thought - about last week's episode was how they showed that they haven't abandoned the Shawn/Jules storyline, even though they didn't do much with it. However, "not much" is still better than the half-season of nothing we'd had since they'd almost kissed oh-so-long-ago. After that it was, what? One episode of awkwardness and then everything was back to normal, except there was no more silly Shawn/Jules banter/flirting. Sad.
However, getting back to tonight's episode, I must say that Shawn's speech at the end was good (even if it was just a teensy bit melodramatic). It's kind of cool how the show has been showing a more serious side of Shawn lately, what with his mom coming back and that whole thing with that girl he liked in high school. Veddy eeenterestink (bad accent).
That's about it. Things have been rather quiet at the MB, lately, so nothing much to report there. However, I am working four hours tomorrow before I leave on vacation Monday. Perhaps I'll go out with a bang.
Or maybe everything will go perfectly and I won't have anything to blog - or stress - about.
We shall see.
The summer is HALF OVER, and I've only been to the beach three times! (And of the three, I only actually went swimming twice, because the first time I went - with Maria and Ashley in June - it was raining and cold and we just walked along avoiding all the fishermen and then went out to lunch.)
So, to clear up the mid-summer slump, here are various opinions on various multimedia productions (TV shows, music videos, and movies).
Since Jess and I both had yesterday off, we got together to veg out since we haven't done the whole "we're-best-friends-so-let's-get-together-and-do-nothing" thing in awhile. Since one of us was broke and the other was stingy, we sat in my family room and watched TV/movies for five-and-a-half hours, whilst eating leftover stroganoff, DiGiorno pizza, and Betty Crocker brownies that we baked (using applesauce instead of vegetable oil because I didn't have enough oil left).
Anyway, we took in such cinematic gems as:
The Rescuers Down Under
Fun children's movie that we watched in order to fulfill our poking fun/reminiscing quota for the week. Joanna the strange lizard was creepy. Frank - the other smaller, less creepy, not-evil strange lizard - was rather annoying. I think kids would've liked him, though, which was the point I guess. The villain was one-dimensional and stupid, and are we really supposed to believe that his giant tree-crushing, cage-carrying vehicle (I hesitate to actually label it a "truck" because it was oh-so-much-more than that) somehow managed to escape the notice of the Australian authorities? Come on, now.
I liked the Australian non-mouse. (In lieu of actually figuring out what type of animal he was supposed to be, I just call him "the non-mouse.") And of course, I liked Bernard and Bianca simply because I liked them when I was a kid.
Jess and I decided it would be fun to count the Australian stereotypes in the movie. We got up to four and gave up because they were coming in so quickly that we couldn't possibly keep track of both the plots and the stereotypes. A few highlights, though:
1. Bad accents (or, in the case of the Australian boy, disappearing accents)
2. Non-essential shot of the Sydney Opera House
3. House in the middle of the Outback for no reason whatsoever
4. Stereotypical Australian hat for stereotypical Australian authority in the form of The Non-Mouse
5. There was lassoing involved
6. Cameo appearances by kangaroos, koalas, wombats (ahhh! so cute!) and other Australian animals that really served no purpose except to remind everyone that "hey, in case you guys forgot, we're in Australia!"
7. Excessive overuse of the word "mate" and phrases like "g'day!"
8. Even more excessive use of a didgeridoo. Like every three-and-a-half seconds.
Come on. I've done my googling; I know that Aussies have way cooler slang words than "mate" and "g'day." Although you probably can't use a lot of them in a G-rated Disney movie.
After the Rescuers had done all their rescuing to a rockin' didgeridoo soundtrack, we watched some music videos on MTVH. (I don't know what the H stands for. This channel comes somewhere in between MTV and MTV2.)
Selected commentary:
Veronicas' Song That I Forget The Name Of
Jess: They're twins. They look exactly the same...and they sound the same too. ... Wait, are they holding hands with that guy or with each other?
(In case you were windering...it was the latter.)
Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl"
Me (for the umpteenth time): This song is so stupid. I hate it. And everyone only sings those two lines -
Jess: "I kissed a girl and I liked i-it/The taste of her cherry chapstick..."
Tracey (having just come in): This is creepy. I don't like this.
Jess: But at the end she wakes up with her boyfriend, so it's okay.
...
Tracey: I don't like it. It's weird.
Video of Guys We Thought Might Be Metro Station But Turned Out Not to Be
Jess (making up her own lyrics): Oooh, we're greasy, ooh, we need shampoo-ooo...
Me: Is that Metro Station?
Jess: I dunno. They need to wash their hair.
Me (as video ends): Oh, that wasn't Metro Station.
Jess (as clip of Metro Station is shown): Doesn't matter; Metro Station needs a bath, too.
Miley Cyrus's "Seven Things" or whatever it's called
Jess: Eew, Miley Cyrus.
Me: Eeew.
Jess: This song is so spazzy.
Me: Huh.
...
Me: I don't want to, but I kind of like it. And I like her outfit. I want it. Especially those knee sock things.
Jess: She's not wearing knee socks.
Me: Whatever kind of socks they are. I like them.
The Pussycat Dolls' "When I Grow Up"
Jess: Look, it's their signature dance move: the Boob Thrust!
Me: The what?!
Jess: Well, what else would you call that?
Me: Yeah, you're right.
Alicia Keyes's "Superwoman"
Jess: Wait, I'm confused. Is she ALL of these people?
Me: Look, we know it's an Alicia Keyes video, because there's the piano.
Jess: Well, when your last name is "Keyes," if you're gonna play an instrument it sorta has to be a piano. ... At least this isn't as annoying as that song she sings, the one you hate because you say it sounds like she's straining her voice.
Me: No one, no one, no wuh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhn...blech.
Jess: Ohmigod, they're REAL PEOPLE!
Me: That's so cool!
Jess: Wow.
Me: That was an inspiring music video. Good on you, Alicia Keyes.
Danity Kane's "Bad Girl"
Jess: They're just like the Pussycat Dolls. Look, they even do the Boob Thrust! Although, it's not quite as intense as the Pussycat Dolls'.
Me: That girl kinda looks like Christina Aguilara.
Jess: No, she doesn't.
Me: Yuh-huh!
Jess: Just 'cause she's blonde?
Me: She looks like her, okay?
Jess: Ooooo-kay...
Random Good Charlotte video
Jess: This had no plot. If videos don't have plot, I get really bored.
Girl Jess Thought Was Avril Lavigne But Wasn't
Jess: Is that Avril Lavigne?
Me: No.
Jess: I thought for a second this was "Sk8r Boi."
Me: It's not.
Jess: What is she wearing? I don't like it.
Me: I can't say as I'm a fan of her eye makeup. She's blonde and it's too dark.
Jess: I don't think she can pull off those aviator sunglasses.
Me: She just keeps striking out as far as eye fashion goes.
...
Me: She kinda looks like Christina Aguilara, too.
Jess: Do you say that about EVERYONE?!
Nelly's "Ride Wit Me"
Jess: Ride WIT Me. Not WITH me. Huh.
Jess and Me: ?
Me (on seeing one of Nelly's posse picking up a newly-married hitchhiker): Well, that bodes well for the marriage.
Jess: ?
Me: ?
Jess: What is this video even about?
Me: They're...partying...and blowing stuff up? Why?
Jess: You ever notice how girls in rap videos don't even have to be pretty, as long as they have this (gestures) going on?
Rhianna's "Disturbia"
Jess: Wow. This is kiund of creepy and...disturbing. I guess it goes with the song, then.
Kate Nash's "Foundation"
Me: OH MY GOD, I LOVE KATE NASH!!!
Jess and Tracey: ...
Jess (in reference to Kate's video boyfriend eating the decorations off her cake): That's so annoying.
Me: Just wait, she'll do what you've been wanting to do since you first saw that shot.
Jess: She slaps his hand?!
Me (as Kate slaps video BF's hand): There it is.
Jess (at the end): Wow, Kate Nash, tell it like it is.
Okay, moving on. Today I finally saw MAMMA MIA! It. Was. Awesome.
Everyone was raving about Meryl Streep's performance, and I was all, "She's doing a good job, but she's not above and beyond the rest of the cast or anything." UNTIL..."The Winner Takes It All." She was AMAZING. I got chills and teared up. Seriously.
Unfortunately for me - MAJOR SPOILER ALERT. If you haven't yet seen Mamma Mia!, don't read this paragraph. At all. So yeah, unfortunately for me, MICHELLE LIED TO ME. I asked her if Colin Firth is the gay guy, and SHE SAID NO. She lied. (Tracey: "In Michelle's defense, she doesn't even know who Colin Firth is.") Doesn't matter, though; I still loved him. The entire cast was fantastic, in fact. I haven't seen the show on stage, but I thought the movie was great - well-cast, fun, touching, and only a little cheesy (but every musical has its cheesy moments).
So, yeah, the only sad part was not being able to get up in the theatre and sing and dance along with the movie. When it comes out on DVD, I am totally having a viewing/sing-along party. Totally. I will even provide hairbrushes for my guests to use as imaginary microphones.
TV:
Tonight's episode of Psych was good. Not awesome. Too little Shawn/Jules stuff. And where was Shawn's dad? Besides the flashback at the beginning, he wasn't in the episode at all. I sorta missed the old killjoy. (Although, in his case, "killjoy" most likely translates to "voice of logic.")
A nice thing - I thought - about last week's episode was how they showed that they haven't abandoned the Shawn/Jules storyline, even though they didn't do much with it. However, "not much" is still better than the half-season of nothing we'd had since they'd almost kissed oh-so-long-ago. After that it was, what? One episode of awkwardness and then everything was back to normal, except there was no more silly Shawn/Jules banter/flirting. Sad.
However, getting back to tonight's episode, I must say that Shawn's speech at the end was good (even if it was just a teensy bit melodramatic). It's kind of cool how the show has been showing a more serious side of Shawn lately, what with his mom coming back and that whole thing with that girl he liked in high school. Veddy eeenterestink (bad accent).
That's about it. Things have been rather quiet at the MB, lately, so nothing much to report there. However, I am working four hours tomorrow before I leave on vacation Monday. Perhaps I'll go out with a bang.
Or maybe everything will go perfectly and I won't have anything to blog - or stress - about.
We shall see.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Grab Some Popcorn and Lower Your Expectations: It's Summer Movie Time
Summer
+ two days off in a row
+ sudden (free) appearance of many premium movie channels on my cable plan
+ my inherent laziness and abhorrence of exercise
= lotsa movie-watching fun
So, yeah, I did some sitting in front of the tube. And I've come to help you decide which movie to waste your time on this summer.
Please note that not all of these movie were watched during my aforementioned two days off. I'm not that big of a loser, thank you.
WALL-E
See. It. Now.
I did not particularly want to see WALL-E, but seeing as a bunch of my friends were going and I had a free movie pass, I figured 'why not?' So I saw. And I loved. And I discussed its merit with Jess in the ladies' room after the movie was over, because we each drank half a pitcher of orange soda during the movie. (That's was the reason for the setting of the discussion, not the discussion itself, FYI.)
Anyway, WALL-E was cute for kids, but semi-disturbing for adults who actually comprehend that - spoiler alert? - the movie is set in a post-apocalyptic world where "Buy'n'Large" (aka WALMART! cough) has taken over, humans are all morbidly obese, and organic matter is practically non-existent under all the trash and junk.
I bet you anything that somebody still threw trash out the window of his/her car on the way home from the theatre. Sort of like how my friend Erica went to Friendly's and ordered chicken fingers immediately after seeing Chicken Run.
The Pursuit of Happyness
Is there a 'the' at the beginning, or is it just "Pursuit of Happyness"? Oh, well, it probably doesn't matter if the movie's title is spelled wrong on purpose anyway.
Anyway, a certain person had ruined the entire plot of this movie two years before I saw it, so some (okay, all) of the cool time-saving tactics Chris Gardner (aka Will Smith) used were spoiled. Not that it really matters. But all the other plot points were kinda 'old news' after that, too, you know?
Anyhoo, I knew that this was gonna be an uplifting movie, but it took a looooong time to get there. Like 116 minutes (the movie was 118 minutes long, says my On Demand). But don't be discouraged, grasshopper. I may have spoiled the ending's mood, but at least you know it ends happily, and happy spoilers are always nicer than "Oh, by the by, everyone and their mom dies at the end and then the world explodes."
I Am Legend
Was forced to watched I Am Legend by Jess and Nicole. Can't really say anything about it without giving stuff away...yeah, it was one of thooose movies. I will leave you these tantalizing bits, though:
- Will Smith runs
- Will Smith shoots gun at stuff
- Will Smith has a dog
- Will Smith has flashbacks
- Will Smith talks to mannequins
- Will Smith performs experiments
- Will Smith blows stuff up
- Will Smith quotes Shrek (my personal favorite)
- Will Smith raps about how his life got flipped, turned upside down...wait, wrong show.
Herbie: Fully Loaded
I was channel-surfing in my room at about 12:45 am (which is 45 minutes past MIDNIGHT, people-who-don't-understand-the-difference-between-twelve-am-and-twelve-pm) when all of a sudden--
Me: Ohmigod, is that the Mac guy from the "I'm-a-Mac-I'm-a-PC" ads?!
Justin Long: *smiles at Lindsay Lohan*
Me: You're not especially good-looking, Justin Long, but you are oh so very attractive. How does that even work?!*
*Scientists don't understand why Justin Long's lack of Brad Pitt good looks makes him that much more attractive to some. They call it the Justin Long Paradox.
So, yes, I watched Herbie: Fully Loaded solely because I-can't-really-explain-it-but-I-sort-of-have-a-thing-for Justin Long. But let me tell all you other people out there who are Justin Long fans: the film was not worth it. Even though I may have teared up at the end. But it was two in the morning and I had just realized that I would never get the last hour-and-fifteen-minutes of my life back.
Amelie
C'est fantastique!!! Even though it's entirely in French, there are subtitles for all of us non-French-speaking people. Although the subtitles don't make the plot(s) any less bizarre. The movie is hilarious and touching, though. Added bonus: Leave it on (without the subtitles) when company is coming over, then shut it off and be all, "Oh, sorry, just enjoying my artsy foreign film." And then pray that your guests a.) don't speak French, and b.) haven't seen the movie.
Chocolat
Since I first saw this movie at the age of eleven? twelve? it had been fixed in my mind as a rather long and boring movie, not a "bittersweet treat" as claimed in the summary provided by my cable company. However, on a second viewing, I could fully appreciate the movie...and Johnny Depp. Oh, but that Johnny Depp would sail down the river into my town and try to sell me overpriced knickknacks whilst strumming a guitar! Of course, if that ever happened, I'd have to stop being friends with Maria because of her deep-rooted Johnny Depp phobia. Sorry, Maria.
The Importance of Being Earnest
Okay. I only watched it because Colin Firth was in it. But I genuinely liked it! In a surprising turn (note sarcasm), Judi Dench plays a crotchety upper class snob. But, yeah. Funny movie. Even my sister, who hates British films and British actors and British humor and, well, anything British (in colonial times, I swear she would have been the first one dumping tea into the harbor) liked The Importance of Being Earnest. Which I guess just goes to show you the importance of being The Importance of Being Earnest. (Think about it for a second...there you go.)
Wow, better get some sleep soonish.
Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
Ha ha, At Wit's End, more like. Someone should inform Jerry Bruckheimer that the "3" in the title does not have to refer to the movie's length in hours.
Okay, I know it's way late, but here's the skinny (SPOILERS...?):
The East India Trading Company is doing...something evil. Do they ever explain what? Why were they out to get Jack Sparrow? How and when did they get control of the Flying Dutchman? Did this happen in the second movie (which I've seen three times and own on DVD)? If so, um, WHEN?!
Jack and Elizabeth have broken up...no they haven't...yes, they have...no, wait, I guess they hadn't because NOW they're breaking up for real - wait, false alarm...wait, why are you kissing THAT person?! That's not your significant other!
Johnny Depp is...wait, the Johnny Depps are...oh, bullocks.
That crazy chick is a goddess; no, it's Keira Knightley, but wait! One of the top-credited actors dies in the first third of the film?! WTF?!
Sorry, Keira Knightley, you aren't actually a goddess in human form (not in this movie, anyway). How about, as a consolation prize, we make you King of the Pirates? Sound good?
I have no idea what's going on at this point...I'm not even watching the movie, I'm just staring at the screen because I cannot comprehend anything that is happening. Whose side is anyone on? I swear to God, they switch sides more than...something that switches sides a lot.
And now there's a giant whirlpool. Great. Maybe it's the Bottomless Plot Hole sucking the entire film into the abyss.
Naturally, the whirlpool does not demolish our heroes, because then we'd have to spend the last twenty minutes watching the East India Trading Company do...what were they trying to accomplish again? This is, perhaps, the true reason why the pirates win. Because if they'd lost, the EIC would've carried out its evil plot, and not even the writers knew what that might be, so how could they possibly write a script on it?
Are you confused? Lemme tell you that this summary, despite its stream-of-consciousness style and questionable use of grammar, was still less complex than the movie's plot. It also makes far more sense.
To sum up: three hours is too long for a movie to hold its audience's attention (and for that audience to hold its collective bladder), but not long enough to adequately explain all of said movie's plot points.
And yet, I didn't totally hate it. Go figure.
Edward Scissorhands
I put off seeing it for a really long time because I knew it had a sad ending. (I gleaned this information from a conversation with my cousin, in which she said that Edward Scissorhands had a sad ending. Just call me Nancy Drew.)
Anyway, my sister assured me that the ending was "happy-sad-ish," so I gave it a try.
In all honesty, she was pretty much right...but was also completely wrong. If you've seen it, you know what I mean. Awesome movie, though, featuring that lady who played Mia in season seven (NOT season two) of Gilmore Girls as the neighborhood busybody/entrepreneur/horndog/Abigail Williams (it's a Crucible reference, duh).
Despite the "happy-sad-ish" ending, it's totally worth seeing.
And so concludes my Guide to Summer Movie Viewing.
+ two days off in a row
+ sudden (free) appearance of many premium movie channels on my cable plan
+ my inherent laziness and abhorrence of exercise
= lotsa movie-watching fun
So, yeah, I did some sitting in front of the tube. And I've come to help you decide which movie to waste your time on this summer.
Please note that not all of these movie were watched during my aforementioned two days off. I'm not that big of a loser, thank you.
WALL-E
See. It. Now.
I did not particularly want to see WALL-E, but seeing as a bunch of my friends were going and I had a free movie pass, I figured 'why not?' So I saw. And I loved. And I discussed its merit with Jess in the ladies' room after the movie was over, because we each drank half a pitcher of orange soda during the movie. (That's was the reason for the setting of the discussion, not the discussion itself, FYI.)
Anyway, WALL-E was cute for kids, but semi-disturbing for adults who actually comprehend that - spoiler alert? - the movie is set in a post-apocalyptic world where "Buy'n'Large" (aka WALMART! cough) has taken over, humans are all morbidly obese, and organic matter is practically non-existent under all the trash and junk.
I bet you anything that somebody still threw trash out the window of his/her car on the way home from the theatre. Sort of like how my friend Erica went to Friendly's and ordered chicken fingers immediately after seeing Chicken Run.
The Pursuit of Happyness
Is there a 'the' at the beginning, or is it just "Pursuit of Happyness"? Oh, well, it probably doesn't matter if the movie's title is spelled wrong on purpose anyway.
Anyway, a certain person had ruined the entire plot of this movie two years before I saw it, so some (okay, all) of the cool time-saving tactics Chris Gardner (aka Will Smith) used were spoiled. Not that it really matters. But all the other plot points were kinda 'old news' after that, too, you know?
Anyhoo, I knew that this was gonna be an uplifting movie, but it took a looooong time to get there. Like 116 minutes (the movie was 118 minutes long, says my On Demand). But don't be discouraged, grasshopper. I may have spoiled the ending's mood, but at least you know it ends happily, and happy spoilers are always nicer than "Oh, by the by, everyone and their mom dies at the end and then the world explodes."
I Am Legend
Was forced to watched I Am Legend by Jess and Nicole. Can't really say anything about it without giving stuff away...yeah, it was one of thooose movies. I will leave you these tantalizing bits, though:
- Will Smith runs
- Will Smith shoots gun at stuff
- Will Smith has a dog
- Will Smith has flashbacks
- Will Smith talks to mannequins
- Will Smith performs experiments
- Will Smith blows stuff up
- Will Smith quotes Shrek (my personal favorite)
- Will Smith raps about how his life got flipped, turned upside down...wait, wrong show.
Herbie: Fully Loaded
I was channel-surfing in my room at about 12:45 am (which is 45 minutes past MIDNIGHT, people-who-don't-understand-the-difference-between-twelve-am-and-twelve-pm) when all of a sudden--
Me: Ohmigod, is that the Mac guy from the "I'm-a-Mac-I'm-a-PC" ads?!
Justin Long: *smiles at Lindsay Lohan*
Me: You're not especially good-looking, Justin Long, but you are oh so very attractive. How does that even work?!*
*Scientists don't understand why Justin Long's lack of Brad Pitt good looks makes him that much more attractive to some. They call it the Justin Long Paradox.
So, yes, I watched Herbie: Fully Loaded solely because I-can't-really-explain-it-but-I-sort-of-have-a-thing-for Justin Long. But let me tell all you other people out there who are Justin Long fans: the film was not worth it. Even though I may have teared up at the end. But it was two in the morning and I had just realized that I would never get the last hour-and-fifteen-minutes of my life back.
Amelie
C'est fantastique!!! Even though it's entirely in French, there are subtitles for all of us non-French-speaking people. Although the subtitles don't make the plot(s) any less bizarre. The movie is hilarious and touching, though. Added bonus: Leave it on (without the subtitles) when company is coming over, then shut it off and be all, "Oh, sorry, just enjoying my artsy foreign film." And then pray that your guests a.) don't speak French, and b.) haven't seen the movie.
Chocolat
Since I first saw this movie at the age of eleven? twelve? it had been fixed in my mind as a rather long and boring movie, not a "bittersweet treat" as claimed in the summary provided by my cable company. However, on a second viewing, I could fully appreciate the movie...and Johnny Depp. Oh, but that Johnny Depp would sail down the river into my town and try to sell me overpriced knickknacks whilst strumming a guitar! Of course, if that ever happened, I'd have to stop being friends with Maria because of her deep-rooted Johnny Depp phobia. Sorry, Maria.
The Importance of Being Earnest
Okay. I only watched it because Colin Firth was in it. But I genuinely liked it! In a surprising turn (note sarcasm), Judi Dench plays a crotchety upper class snob. But, yeah. Funny movie. Even my sister, who hates British films and British actors and British humor and, well, anything British (in colonial times, I swear she would have been the first one dumping tea into the harbor) liked The Importance of Being Earnest. Which I guess just goes to show you the importance of being The Importance of Being Earnest. (Think about it for a second...there you go.)
Wow, better get some sleep soonish.
Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
Ha ha, At Wit's End, more like. Someone should inform Jerry Bruckheimer that the "3" in the title does not have to refer to the movie's length in hours.
Okay, I know it's way late, but here's the skinny (SPOILERS...?):
The East India Trading Company is doing...something evil. Do they ever explain what? Why were they out to get Jack Sparrow? How and when did they get control of the Flying Dutchman? Did this happen in the second movie (which I've seen three times and own on DVD)? If so, um, WHEN?!
Jack and Elizabeth have broken up...no they haven't...yes, they have...no, wait, I guess they hadn't because NOW they're breaking up for real - wait, false alarm...wait, why are you kissing THAT person?! That's not your significant other!
Johnny Depp is...wait, the Johnny Depps are...oh, bullocks.
That crazy chick is a goddess; no, it's Keira Knightley, but wait! One of the top-credited actors dies in the first third of the film?! WTF?!
Sorry, Keira Knightley, you aren't actually a goddess in human form (not in this movie, anyway). How about, as a consolation prize, we make you King of the Pirates? Sound good?
I have no idea what's going on at this point...I'm not even watching the movie, I'm just staring at the screen because I cannot comprehend anything that is happening. Whose side is anyone on? I swear to God, they switch sides more than...something that switches sides a lot.
And now there's a giant whirlpool. Great. Maybe it's the Bottomless Plot Hole sucking the entire film into the abyss.
Naturally, the whirlpool does not demolish our heroes, because then we'd have to spend the last twenty minutes watching the East India Trading Company do...what were they trying to accomplish again? This is, perhaps, the true reason why the pirates win. Because if they'd lost, the EIC would've carried out its evil plot, and not even the writers knew what that might be, so how could they possibly write a script on it?
Are you confused? Lemme tell you that this summary, despite its stream-of-consciousness style and questionable use of grammar, was still less complex than the movie's plot. It also makes far more sense.
To sum up: three hours is too long for a movie to hold its audience's attention (and for that audience to hold its collective bladder), but not long enough to adequately explain all of said movie's plot points.
And yet, I didn't totally hate it. Go figure.
Edward Scissorhands
I put off seeing it for a really long time because I knew it had a sad ending. (I gleaned this information from a conversation with my cousin, in which she said that Edward Scissorhands had a sad ending. Just call me Nancy Drew.)
Anyway, my sister assured me that the ending was "happy-sad-ish," so I gave it a try.
In all honesty, she was pretty much right...but was also completely wrong. If you've seen it, you know what I mean. Awesome movie, though, featuring that lady who played Mia in season seven (NOT season two) of Gilmore Girls as the neighborhood busybody/entrepreneur/horndog/Abigail Williams (it's a Crucible reference, duh).
Despite the "happy-sad-ish" ending, it's totally worth seeing.
And so concludes my Guide to Summer Movie Viewing.
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