More Brief Sketches of Life at the MB

More haikus about my thrilling life as a supermarket cashier. (Read part one here.)

I. Ode to Customers Who are Way Too Honest
When asked, "How are you?"
Just lie and say, "Doing fine"
Like everyone else.

II. Ode to Customers Who Get Worked Up Over Nothing
The world will not end
If your chips aren't double-bagged.
Just some perspective.

III. Ode to that Stupid "Must Be Free!" Joke
Har-har-dee-har-har
Never heard that one before!
Sir, you are the first.

IV. Ode to Customers Who Miss the Point
I don't think food stamps
Are really meant to cover
Eighteen packs of gum.

V. Ode to the Store Music
Soft rock's killing me.
Never thought I'd say this, but:
Can't wait for Christmas.

VI. Ode to People Who Complain About the Temperature
Why yes, it is cold.
Been standing here for hours,
So I noticed, too.

Aaaaand...you're welcome.

New text from Roger
Sun Jul 12
4:53 pm

You inspired my cousin to start tweeting in haiku

Exhuming Creativity

Yes, that was a play on words - the creative juices are flowing (you might say I'm exuding creativity) and I am posting a new entry, thereby resurrecting this blog (exhuming it).

Okay, that was weak. It's 12:29. I'm smack dab in the middle of a bunch of work, and I'm sleep-deprived (and, by staying up this late when I have to wake up for work at 6:30 am, I am not doing anything that is conducive to solving this problem). Give me a break.

Anyway, I hadn't written any haikus in a while and inspiration struck me, so, without further ado, I bring you...

BRIEF SKETCHES OF LIFE EVENTS THAT HAVE OCCURRED SINCE I LAST BLOGGED

I. Ode to Facebook Friend Requests
Just because you know
Forty-seven of my friends
Does not make us buds.

II. Ode to Friends Who Plan Me a Surprise Birthday Party
Michelle and David
Are clearly super awesome
I so love you guys.

III. Ode to Getting Stuck Behind George H.W. Bush's Limo on a Narrow Maine Road
Just driving along...
Uh-oh, security car!
Better turn around.

IV. Ode to the Warm Weather
I love that you're here
Please never leave me again
Flip-flops make my life.

V. Ode to My New Job
Walking to my job
Takes me longer than doing
The actual work.*

*But I like it.

Oooh, I'd better get back to doing some real work; it's getting late. Plus, my fingers are cramping from all the 5-7-5 syllable counting I'm doing. Peace out.

Odes to College Life (So Far)

I'm feeling poetic today, so I figured I'd go back to my true literary calling: haikus. I did them once before (about working at the MB) with great success (honk honk*), so why not do some more?

(*the sound of me tooting my own horn)

Of course, I haven't worked at the Basket in, oh, four weeks on account of the fact that I now live two hours away from it, so I needed to find a new topic, and that new topic is college living. So, without further ado...

Ode to the Drunk People Outside
I know you like beer
I know you like to party
But I want to sleep

Ode to My MacBook
It took me awhile
To learn how to copy/paste
But it's all good now.

Ode to the Weather
When I don't have class
Sun shines. When I do have class
I walk in the rain.

Ode to Drill
Seven-forty five:
"Parlez français avec nous!"
Shoot me, s'il vous plait.

Ode to My Mini-Fridge
You make weird noises
But you hold all my junk food
So I love you lots.

Second Ode to My MacBook
I procrastinate
But now with my new MacBook,
I do it way more.

Ode to Febreeze Extra-Strength Spray
Without you, Febreeze,
My dorm room would still smell like
Dust and sweaty feet.

Ode to My Parents
I love you so much!
Life's not the same without you!
Please send more money!

Brief Sketches of Life at the MB

In haiku form, because I'm feeling especially creative.

I. Ode to the Indecisive Customer
You say you want it
You bring it to the checkout
You don't want it now.

II. Ode to the Person Who Doesn't Understand the Concept of Produce Codes
It's a pear, you say
A pear! One-ninety-nine!
I smile; type the code.

III. Ode to My Register
Why must you hurt me?
I only tried to wash you.
You cut my finger.

IV. Odes to Working Past Closing
I ring items up.
When did the line get so long?
Oh, right; it's closing.

Everyone rushes
To put their stuff on the belt
I inwardly cuss.

V. Ode to Breaking Down the Bread Aisle
Hey, I was just here
How did it get so messy?
Unsupervised kids.

VI. Ode to Doing Overstock
Where does this belong?
I can't find a spot nearby.
Hide it in the back.*

*Not that I actually do this.

VII. Ode to Damaged Goods
Ice cream in bread aisle
Melts faster than you might think
Three dollars wasted.

VIII. Ode to WIC Transactions
The road to hell is
Not paved with good intentions
But with damned WIC checks.

IX. Ode to Those Who Move the Divider Between Orders
I am not psychic.
I don't know which stuff is yours
And which stuff is theirs.

X. Ode to Calling For Voids
Blink blink goes my light
Supervisor override
Ah, back to normal.

XI. Ode to the Lazy Bagger
Stuff is piling up
I wonder what's going on
Bagger is texting.

XII. Ode to the Customer who Oversteps Her Bounds
I get paid chump change
To scan your items through, ma'am.
Please don't scan your own.

XIII. Ode to the Break Room
Awfully hot in here
Microwave gross, flies on walls
"Broken room," more like.

XIV. Ode to Leaky Items
Mysterious goo
Sticks to my hands for hours
Get me some Purell!

XV. Ode to Crying Children
Little boy throws fit
Please just buy him the candy
Or else shoot me now.

XVI. Ode to Awkwardly Lovable Customers
Don't be embarrassed
Sir, I know those tampons are for
Your lovely wife.

XVII. Ode to the Dress Code
"Recommended shoes:
Low heels or pumps for women."
Ha ha ha ha...no.*

*Stand in heels/pumps for FIVE HOURS STRAIGHT? Dress code was obviously written by a man.

XVIII. Ode to the Customer who is Strapped for Cash
Why yes, sir, you can
Pay with both cash and debit.
I'd prefer you don't.

XIX. Ode to Customers Who Pay All in One-Dollar Bills
Your bill was quite large
Why did you pay all in ones?
Why do you hate me?

XX. Ode to the Receipt Machine
This lady ordered
Three bazillion items
Why must you jam now?!

Be kind to your local supermarket staff. They deal with all this - and WORSE - on a daily basis. Plus, if you're an especially annoying customer, they'll complain about you to their friends and possibly blog about you. So yeah, be nice.

BONUS! From Chris, as I IM him while writing this:
Customer must leave,
"Just going to get money."
Cart never reclaimed.

My reply:
Void the whole order
Oh Lord, just kill me now please
Supervisor pissed.

And that's life at the MB.