This week's episode of Bones (in case you missed it)

COLD OPEN

We open at a TRASH DUMP in the FOREST, where a YUPPIE COUPLE is hunting for antiques.

YUPPIE LADY: I’m picking a fight with you, because picking fights is a prerequisite to stumbling upon horrible bodies in the Bones cold open!

YUPPIE GUY: I’m trying to put a positive spin on the situation! I have a good, healthy outlook on life! Karma will surely reward me for my sunny disposition!

Something vaguely corpse-looking tumbles down the hill.

YUPPIE GUY: There does not appear to be anything sketchy about this!

YUPPIE LADY: No indeed!

YUPPIE GUY runs toward said totally un-sketchy object, trips on a toilet bowl (I’m not making that up) and lands face-to-face with a skeleton (and associated fleshy goop) wrapped in plastic.

YUPPIE GUY and YUPPIE LADY scream their yuppie heads off.

FADE TO:

BOOTH, BRENNAN, and SWEETS getting coffee in a park in “WASHINGTON, D.C.,” where the November weather appears to be incredibly mild—as mild as, say, Los Angeles. There seems to be some sort of DISAGREEMENT occurring.

BOOTH: Sweets, I do not approve of your getting a gun, despite the fact that you will be in the field with me facing horrible dangers.

AUDIENCE: I do not approve of the fact that the FBI apparently finds it appropriate to send a PSYCHIATRIST out into the field. Didn’t Booth have to fight just to get Brennan into the field, when she arguably had much more job and weapons experience than Sweets? Couldn’t Booth easily put a stop to this?

SWEETS, to distract both BOOTH and the AUDIENCE, changes the subject.

SWEETS: Let’s talk about your living arrangements.

BOOTH: No.

BRENNAN: Okay. I want an acre of land, he wants a man cave.

BOOTH: Yes, two weeks ago I wanted a family-friendly home, now I want the exact opposite of that.

BRENNAN: It makes no sense to me.

For once, AUDIENCE and BRENNAN are on the same page.

BRENNAN: Anyway, back to Sweets and guns. If we arm him he’s a prime target for a shooter, so he’ll draw fire away from you! I don’t want to be a single mom!

AUDIENCE: Classic Brennan! Comedy! Guffaw!

BOOTH: Irrelevant, Sweets isn’t getting a gun.

SWEETS: Fine then, you’re not getting a man cave.

AUDIENCE: How could you possibly follow through on that threat given that—

EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS OF BONES: Scene change! You can’t ask questions now! La la la, can’t hear you!

CUT TO: The Jeffersonian. CAM and BRENNAN are examining a PLASTIC-WRAPPED CORPSE while DAISY looks busy in the background.

CAM: Look, here’s our gross body of the week!

BRENNAN: I’ll explain to you things we already should both know, given our professional backgrounds, almost as if you were the average 18-35 year-old viewer of a primetime television show.

CAM: Sounds perfectly logical to me.

DAISY: Don’t forget me! I’m quirky but I’m also smart, and in this scene I have an air compressor!

CAM: Why?

BRENNAN: To help us pressurize the interior of the plastic so we can drain the remains.

CAM: Ah, right, I should have known that!

BRENNAN and CAM both stare at the camera and wink knowingly. CAM cuts slits in the bottom of the plastic-wrapped corpse so the goop can drain out.

DAISY sums up the show with the following line (again, not kidding with this one):

DAISY: This is revolting…but kind of fun.

CAM, BRENNAN, and most of the AUDIENCE concur. Portion of AUDIENCE that was stupidly eating dinner while watching cannot weigh in because they are too busy trying not to vomit and/or recovering from doing so.

CAM cuts open the goopy, plastic wrapped remains. She, BRENNAN, and DAISY are unfazed.

BRENNAN: It’s a good thing all three of us have apparently lost our sense of smell.

CAM: Indeed.

DAISY: I had mine surgically removed for this very reason.

CAM finds a Ken doll in the remains, but for copyright reasons (and as fodder for some jokes later on), this doll is called PRINCE CHARMINGTON.

CAM: Look, a plastic doll.

DAISY: PRINCE CHARMINGTON!

BRENNAN: Who’s Prince Charmington?

CAM: Let me explain, since we need some exposition and you’re totally ignorant about pop culture. Prince Charmington is the best. Toy. Ever.

DAISY: It’s so sad!

BRENNAN: That seems like rather a strange reaction.

CAM: Nah, I’m fine with it. Seems plausible.

EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS OF BONES hope the AUDIENCE agrees so we can all LAUGH together at BRENNAN’S SOCIAL AWKWARDNESS. AUDIENCE looks dubious. EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS try again.

DAISY: OH MY GOD! Whoever killed Prince Charmington will PAY!

CAM: I’m mildly befuddled, but otherwise that seems like an appropriate reaction to a grisly murder scene. I’m so glad I hired you.

DRAMATIC ZOOM on PRINCE CHARMINGTON with the HUMAN CORPSE relegated to the BACKGROUND of the shot. CUT TO: OPENING CREDITS

COMMERCIAL BREAK in which we see car commercials for every vehicle that’s ever been driven on Bones.

ACT ONE

At the JEFFERSONIAN, CAM, HODGINS, and DAISY search through what remains of the…remains. (See what I did there?)

HODGINS: I study bugs and slime and dirt and stuff, none of which is relevant to this particular murder. In real life I’d go work on some research or write a paper or work another case or something, but my contractually mandated screentime requires me to be here sorting through flesh goop like a lowly intern. And providing exposition. And reminding everyone of my real area of specialization.

CAM: That’s great, but what can you do to help move the plot along?

HODGINS: Well, I found a lung. Coincidentally, it’s the only organ that will be relevant later in this investigation.

CAM: Oh, cool. We can just forget about examining the other twenty-odd internal organs in the human body, then.

HODGINS: And here are bone fragments for you, Daisy.

DAISY: Phalanx, patella…awww! Here’s a socket from the late Prince Charmington’s royal patella.

HODGINS: Are the executive producers trying to imply that I can’t tell the difference between human bones and plastic doll bits or that I have a weird sense of humor and professionalism?

DAISY: Don’t care; too busy being bummed about Prince Charmington.

HODGINS: Whatever. Did you guys hear about the B-plot of this episode in which Sweets is trying to get certified to carry a gun?

CAM: No way!

DAISY: I fully support my boyfriend’s right to shoot people, largely because he is a decent human being who would never hurt a fly. Oh, by the way, the x-rays I did show that the victim was apparently beaten right before her death and may have been beaten as a child.

CAM: Sad.

BEAT. (No pun intended.)

CAM: Moving on…

Coincidentally, ANGELA enters with KEY INFORMATION.

ANGELA: I found fingerprints, bitchezzz! All the ID’ing you’ve been doing up until now is irrelevant! Our victim was vice president of a toy company!

AUDIENCE: I sense a theme coming on….

ANGELA: Anyway, her name is Debra Cortez and her brother reported her missing two weeks ago.

CUT TO: INTERROGATION ROOM. BOOTH and SWEETS are talking to the victim’s BROTHER.

MR. CORTEZ: My sister is dead? I’m so sad! She was such a quiet, shy, wonderful person.

SWEETS: She was quiet and shy? That fits in with the childhood abuse she suffered.

MR. CORTEZ: Um, what now?

SWEETS: The abuse. It’s totally understandable you have no idea what I’m talking about, since most children are abused by their parents and you two grew up in the same household. The fact that you seem confused does not cause me to doubt this hypothesis at all.

MR. CORTEZ: Debbie wasn’t abused, she was the sole survivor of the plane crash that killed our parents.

AUDIENCE feels a little sorry for MR. CORTEZ, since he wasn’t invited along on this little childhood jaunt across the sky, and then remembers that he was LUCKY because the PLANE ended up CRASHING.

BOOTH: I see that you also worked at the toy company.

MR. CORTEZ: My sister got me a job at the company, but I only worked there a month because it was too humiliating working for my more successful sister.

BOOTH: What do you do now?

MR. CORTEZ: Still looking.

AUDIENCE: Who quits a job in this economy? Think, man, think!

CUT TO: JEFFERSONIAN LAB. BRENNAN is examining stuff. It doesn’t really matter because the casework is simply a segue into BRENNAN COMEDY. ANGELA enters.

BRENNAN: Did you have a Prince Charmington doll as a kid?

ANGELA: Everyone did. I dressed mine like Sid Vicious Charmington, because I’m edgy and bohemian!

BRENNAN: I didn’t like toys. They distracted me from science.

ANGELA: Playing is important, too. Anthropology is on my side. You should play with that Prince Charmington doll!

BRENNAN: You mean the evidence?

ANGELA: It’s completely appropriate!

BRENNAN: Okay…

BRENNAN adopts a funny voice, so things are already delving into the realm of COMEDY, and picks up PRINCE CHARMINGTON, whose outfit is remarkably clean considering it was covered in liquefied organs mere scenes ago.

BRENNAN: Hello subjects! My name is Prince Charmington! My arm and leg have been torn asunder but my cervical spine is intact!

We can tell from ANGELA’S FACIAL EXPRESSIONS that BRENNAN is definitely DOING IT WRONG. BRENNAN laughs at her own cleverness. ANGELA laughs awkwardly and worries that BRENNAN’s future child will be a serial killer or something.

CUT TO: DILLIO TOY FACTORY. BOOTH and BRENNAN walk with BIANCA, the president of the company, who shows them around. She seems TRUSTWORTHY and COOPERATIVE, so there is NO WAY she can be the MURDERER.

BIANCA: These are our Bouncing Bears.

BOOTH: Parker loves those!

BRENNAN: Why? Children should not be playing with bears! Do you know how many fatal bear maulings occur in the United States every year?

BOOTH: Are you going to talk to our daughter like that?

BRENNAN: No, but I’m certainly not going to let her play with bears.

BIANCA shows BOOTH and BRENNAN the IMAGITORIUM, where the company tests prototypes on kids.

BIANCA: …and these are “Love Mutts.” Their heads and bodies are interchangeable so you can make an endless array of combinations!

A LITTLE GIRL holds up what looks like a Frankenstein science experiment gone wrong.

LITTLE GIRL: I made a bull-poodle!

AUDIENCE worries that these children will all become mad scientist serial killers. BRENNAN, BOOTH, AND BIANCA seem unconcerned.

BRENNAN: I can see how this would teach children about dominant and recessive genes!

AUDIENCE: Um, I can’t. I’m pretty sure my sister doesn’t have blue eyes because my parents ripped off the head of a blue-eyed person and attached it to my sister’s body.

BIANCA: Moving on, here’s Larry. He was Debra Cortez’s professional competition, except his ideas suck.

LARRY, who seems frazzled and lame in a COMEDIC WAY, is attacked by children who don’t dig his toys. He exits the IMAGITORIUM in a huff.

LARRY: I wanna wring those little bastards’ necks sometimes, you know?

BEAT.

LARRY: Was that not an appropriate way to greet strangers? Okay, let me try again. I hate Debbie Cortez.

BEAT. LARRY looks about for a shovel with which to dig himself an even deeper grave. BOOTH puts a stop to it by pulling out his badge and deciding to interrogate LARRY.

CUT TO: EMPTY IMAGITORIUM ROOM. BOOTH, BRENNAN, and LARRY sit around a child-size table on child-sized chairs.

LARRY: Here’s all the useful info you need for this scene. I didn’t like Debbie, but I didn’t kill her. I think she had a secret boyfriend. I was at home watching the game the night she was murdered, but my wife and kids were conveniently in Florida so no one can corroborate my story.

BOOTH: We’ll be in touch.

This is a prime opportunity for PREGNANCY HUMOR, so BRENNAN gets stuck in the child-size chair. BOOTH helps her out and they exit.

CUT TO: JEFFERSONIAN LAB, where HODGINS and DAISY are doing important lab-related tasks.

HODGINS: Here’s Prince Charmington’s leg!

DAISY: Gimme!

HODGINS: It appears to have been burned with some kind of acid.

DAISY: The horror!

HODGINS: Don’t worry. I’ll figure it out.

BEAT.

HODGINS: Remember that “King of the Lab” joke we started like five seasons ago?

DAISY: Kind of…

AUDIENCE: YES.

HODGINS: Well, I’m bringing it back. King of the Lab!

CUT TO: ANGELA’S OFFICE. ANGELA is trying to assemble a toy, which leads to COMICAL HIJINKS. BRENNAN enters.

BRENNAN: What are you doing?

ANGELA: I’m assembling a toy for Michael. Remember, that son I had at the end of last season?

BRENNAN: Vaguely.

ANGELA: Right. He’s never onscreen and I immediately lost all my pregnancy "weight,", so I’m assembling this toy in my office instead of at home so I can remind everyone of his existence.

BRENNAN: Right. Why are the instructions in Chinese?

ANGELA: That’s just the diagrams. The instructions should be in clear, easy-to-understand English.

Clearly ANGELA has never assembled anything herself before. AUDIENCE chuckles in anticipation.

ANGELA: “Insert to parts for assemble which toy can have immediately.”

AUDIENCE: Told ya!

BRENNAN: What if you try…?

ANGELA: DO NOT BACKSEAT DRIVE, SWEETIE! I hate toys. They suck.

EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: And there’s the theme! Toys! The theme of the episode is toys! Did you get it? Did you?

BRENNAN: Well, anyway. On the topic of relevant stuff, did you construct a scenario for what happened to the victim?

ANGELA: Sure did. Let’s go!

CUT TO: The ANGELATOR room. ANGELA pulls up a schematic on the screen.

ANGELA: She was lying facedown on the concrete and she was struck with an incredible amount of force.

BRENNAN: This seems redundant, since we already knew she had fractures and her lung was collapsed so she suffocated to death, but I’m sure you’re going somewhere with this.

ANGELA: Right. Just reminding you of the details. There has been a commercial break since we went over all that the first time, you know.

BRENNAN: Oh, right.

ANGELA: Anyway, the person who did it must have been really angry to hit her so hard.

BRENNAN: No, if it were rage the blows would be all over the place. These are concentrated to her arms and upper back. Move her right and left arm?

ANGELA makes the image of the victim splay out a little more, then draws a line connecting the injuries. Nevertheless, she waits for BRENNAN to explain what this means.

BRENNAN: She was hit only once with great force, and the blow fell along this line!

ANGELA: Cool, I drew that line! Now I know why it’s significant!

CUT TO: BOOTH and DAISY in the car.

DAISY: I’m so excited to be going into the field!

BOOTH: Don’t get too excited. You’re only here because Bones wasn’t available.

AUDIENCE wonders where BRENNAN is. Presumably helping ANGELA assemble that toy?

EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: We actually don’t know where Brennan is, we just wanted to put Booth and Daisy at the scene together. You know, for comedy!

AUDIENCE: Sure. Okay.

DAISY: When I’m field-tested and Lance has his gun, we can go on murdery double-dates with you and Brennan!

BOOTH: Let’s never do that. Also, don’t talk when we get there.

DAISY: I’ll agree now, but I will undoubtedly disregard this agreement as soon as we arrive at the crime scene.

BOOTH dies a little inside.

CUT TO: DILLIO TOYS FACTORY. BIANCA is showing BOOTH and DAISY into the PROTOTYPE LAB.

BIANCA: Before we go in, I need you to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

BOOTH: Ha ha, don’t think so.

DAISY, not to be outdone in BADASSERY, jumps in despite her promises to keep silent.

DAISY: If you don’t let us in, we’ll come back with a warrant and the press will have a field day.

BIANCA: Oh, fine. Whatever.

BIANCA, DAISY, and BOOTH enter the PROTOTYPE LAB.

DAISY: This plastic could be the same plastic the body was wrapped in!

BOOTH: Interesting.

DAISY: There’s blood on the floor over here!

BOOTH: That’s suspicious.

DAISY: This sliding vertical door could have been what crushed our victim!

BOOTH, not to be outdone in USEFULNESS, makes a discovery of his own.

BOOTH: This door looks like it’s been broken into.

BIANCA: Impossible!

In the background, FACTORY EMPLOYEES continue working, not expressing the least bit of interest in the MURDER CASE unfolding beneath their very noses. CASTING DIRECTORS pat themselves on the back for their choice in extras.

DRAMATIC ZOOM on the characters’ faces and the crime scene.

COMMERCIAL BREAK in which Fox plugs at least three shows that will be canceled by February sweeps.

ACT TWO

SWEETS is at the FIRING RANGE, where he is practicing for his test to carry a weapon. He does well. DAISY appears behind him.

DAISY: Good job! You’re hot when you’re firing a gun.

SWEETS: Daisy! God! I’m trying to concentrate!

SWEETS fires off another three rounds and misses the target each time.

DAISY: Pretend that target is someone trying to hurt me. Don’t let him hurt me, Lance!

SWEETS fires three shots almost straight through the target’s heart.

SWEETS: At first your presence made me suck, but now it makes me awesome!

DAISY: What’s that? I was too distracted by wanting to have sex with you.

CUT TO: JEFFERSONIAN LAB. HODGINS is doing science-y things. CAM enters.

HODGINS: Hey Cam, guess what? I found metal embedded in the victim that matches the door at the factory, so we have our murder weapon!

CAM: Great!

HODGINS: AND I discovered that someone used a carjack to break in! Multimillion dollar security system and all it took was a cheap-o carjack.

CAM: What dumbasses.

CUT TO: JEFFERSONIAN LAB. BRENNAN enters and sees DAISY.

BRENNAN: Hold up. Are you doing an autopsy on Prince Charmington?

DAISY: Yes. That makes total sense, right?

BRENNAN: Um, sure. Explain, please?

CUE intense “we’re solving a mystery” music.

DAISY: There was a struggle. Someone grabbed Prince Charmington and our victim pulled back, and Prince Charmington was pulled apart in the struggle. This is an original doll from the 1960s and it’s now worth $10,000. Someone wanted to steal him!

CUT TO: ANGELATOR ROOM. ANGELA is examining the victim’s computer files.

ANGELA: There’s nothing suspicious on here, except for that little email interaction in which she accuses someone of stealing from the company and they write back telling her to stay out of it.

CAM: Well, who was the other person?

ANGELA: I traced the IP address and get this—it’s her brother!

AUDIENCE: Couldn’t you have just checked the email address?

EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Never mind that! Quick! Scene change!

CUT TO: BOOTH and SWEETS on a stakeout.

BOOTH: It’s not that I don’t want you to have a gun. I just think you’d end up, like, shooting yourself in the foot or something.

SWEETS: You think I’m incompetent?

BOOTH: No. I never said that.

BOOTH sees the perp arrive and exits the car.

SWEETS: Oh, so now you’re just gonna leave?

BOOTH leans in through the open window.

BOOTH: No, Sweets, the perp’s here. God, pay attention. You suck at stakeouts.

AUDIENCE wonders whether people who leave their windows open while having conversations at a normal volume during a stakeout should really through stones in the incompetence arena.

SWEETS and BOOTH confront the perp, MR.CORTEZ.

BOOTH: Open your trunk.

MR. CORTEZ: You got a warrant?

BOOTH: Nope. But you’ve been stealing vintage toys. You should probably cooperate.

MR. CORTEZ: In that case, okay. You really have me cornered here, since it’s not like I could have emptied my trunk in the time it took you to go wake up a judge and get him or her to sign a warrant.

BOOTH opens the trunk. It is full of STOLEN VINTAGE TOYS.

SWEETS: I’m guessing you don’t have a receipt for those.

BEAT.

SWEETS: See? I can be snarky and badass, too!

BOOTH: And a carjack! Since one never finds carjacks in the trunks of cars, this is clearly the carjack used to pry open the door at the factory!

COMMERCIAL BREAK, at which point the AUDIENCE members turn to each other and complain about how there have only been like four minutes of the episode since the last commercial break, and what is television coming to these days?

ACT THREE

MR. CORTEZ is being interrogated in the FBI INTERROGATION ROOM. As the chairs are all regular-sized there is no potential for PREGNANCY HUMOR in this scene, so BOOTH and SWEETS conduct the interrogation while BRENNAN remains absent.

BOOTH: Your sister was pretty mad you were stealing from the company.

MR. CORTEZ: Whatever. I have a criminal record anyway, so it wasn’t a big deal or anything.

AUDIENCE shakes head and mutters derisively about recidivism.

BOOTH: She was going to turn you in.

MR. CORTEZ: Debbie would never do that!

SWEETS: She’d lose her job if you got caught.

MR. CORTEZ: I’m her brother, she owes me!

BOOTH: You squashed your sister with the factory door because she caught you stealing THIS!

He throws PRINCE CHARMINGTON down on the table rather roughly. Poor PRINCE CHARMINGTON is going through rather a lot in this episode, and the AUDIENCE feels a little sorry for him until they remember that he is a DOLL.

Anyway, there is a DRAMATIC PAUSE, and then:

CUE sappy sad piano/violin music.

MR. CORTEZ stares at PRINCE CHARMINGTON, then reaches out to pick him up. MUSIC stalls on one suspenseful violin note.

MR. CORTEZ: Oh my God.

PIANOS resume.

MR. CORTEZ: This was the last thing our mom gave Debbie before she died.

BEAT.

MR. CORTEZ: “She” being our mom in this case, not Debbie. The grammar skills of this recap are questionable.

BOOTH has time for neither META-COMMENTARY nor SCHMALTZ.

BOOTH: This doll is valuable. I think you stole it.

MR. CORTEZ: Go ahead, lock me up for stealing. But I didn’t kill my sister!

AUDIENCE: He’s probably right, we are only like forty minutes into the episode.

CUT TO: BOOTH’S APARTMENT. BRENNAN is sitting on the couch eating when BOOTH comes home from work.

BOOTH: How are you?

BRENNAN: Baby’s kicking my spleen. You?

BOOTH: Work sucks.

BRENNAN: We’re both having bad days. But tomorrow I’ll have my lab minions solve the case for you.

BOOTH: Cool. Let’s cuddle.

BRENNAN: Yeah. Okay.

BEAT.

BRENNAN: I’m not good at playing with toys. What if I’m a bad mom?

BOOTH switches into PEP TALK MODE.

BOOTH: You’re gonna be a great mom!

BRENNAN: Okay, I’m convinced. Hey, maybe when our daughter’s motor skills develop, we can dissect a frog together!

BOOTH: Maybe!

BOOTH, unlike most other characters on the show, does not seem to harbor any secret fears that his daughter will turn out to be a serial killer. This bodes well for his relationship with BRENNAN, but it remains to be seen whether or not it will benefit their UNBORN CHILD.

CUT TO: HODGINS and CAM in the JEFFERSONIAN LAB.

HODGINS: I’ve discovered a fake nail, and there’s DNA trapped between the glue and the nail!

CAM: Cool! Let’s solve this bitch!

CUT TO: ANGELA’s OFFICE, where ANGELA is still trying to assemble the toy from earlier. She has made some progress…but not much. CAM enters.

ANGELA: “Gently forward piece for coupling together with warning about many danger.” What. The. HELL?!

CAM then makes a ROOKIE MISTAKE.

CAM: It looks like that red piece might fit there.

ANGELA: Oh, does it? DOES IT?!

CAM: You’d think the store would offer some sort of assembly service.

AUDIENCE agrees with CAM.

ANGELA: Oh, they do, but this toy cost thirty-three bucks and they want thirty-five to put it together.

AUDIENCE abandons TEAM CAM to side with TEAM ANGELA. Those thieves! Who do they think they are?!

CAM: Seems like money well spent.

ANGELA: Are you calling me stupid? “Baby Walker” will not beat me!

HODGINS chooses an unfortunate moment to enter.

HODGINS: Hey, are you ready for lunch?

ANGELA: He’s your son, too!

HODGINS: We have a son?

BEAT.

HODGINS: Oh, duh, that’s right. It’s just that he never appears on screen so sometimes I can’t remember if he’s real or if the season six finale was all a hallucination.

CAM: No, that was season four.

HODGINS: Oh, right. What was up with that?

ANGELA: Hodgins!!!!

CAM: See ya.

We leave a befuddled HODGINS to his fate and

CUT TO: SHOOTING RANGE, where BOOTH has pulled come strings to administer SWEET’S test on the theory that if SWEETS is distracted by BOOTH’s presence, he won’t be any help in the field, with or without a gun. It sort of makes sense, but AUDIENCE wonders how BOOTH manages to pull all these strings and still be unable to block SWEETS entirely from gun ownership.

SWEETS enters a dark room for his test. Suddenly—FOG! FLASHING COLORS! OBSTACLES! LOUD NOISES! STROBE LIGHTS!

SWEETS looks around and tries to focus. AUDIENCE waits, half-expecting BARNEY STINSON and ROBIN SCHERBATSKY to appear in laser tag gear.

SWEETS performs admirably until a bullet ricochets off a target and hits him in the arm. AUDIENCE wonders why this kink was not worked out prior to the test.

BOOTH: You’ll have a scar but you’ll be fine.

And on that anti-climactic note, we

CUT TO: JEFFERSONIAN LAB, where CAM and DAISY discover that the DNA from the fingernail has gotten a hit in the FBI database.

CAM: So it’s this guy. He was in the military in Iraq. That fact is irrelevant to the storyline except that it explains why the FBI has his DNA on file.

DAISY: Yeah, it’s funny how many suspects and victims on this show turn out to have military or government backgrounds.

CAM: Pretty convenient for us though.

DAISY: For sure. Hey, that’s the guy who plays Prince Charmington in all the commercials!

CAM: And wasn’t our victim in a secret relationship? I wonder if there’s any connection!

DAISY: The prince is evil?!

COMMERCIAL BREAK, during which there are so many Christmas ads the AUDIENCE begins to feel guilty that they haven’t already finished their holiday shopping.

ACT FOUR

FBI INTERROGATION ROOM, where BOOTH and an be-slinged SWEETS question THE REAL PRINCE CHARMINGTON, whose name I forget.

SWEETS: Were you in a relationship with Debbie?

PRINCE CHARMINGTON: Yes. I can’t believe this could have happened to her. She always said she’d found her prince…but I was really the lucky one. I felt like the frog the princess kissed.

EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: See what we did there with the Prince Charmington thing? Worth the payoff, right?

AUDIENCE: Oh. Yeah, sure.

BOOTH: Wow, you’re really into this whole prince thing. That’s not at all odd or potentially homicidal.

PRINCE CHARMINGTON: I didn’t kill Debbie! We had to keep our relationship a secret because of company policy—Bianca was really strict. I was encouraging Debbie to leave Dillio and strike out on her own. When she stopped calling me, I thought she’d tried to leave and it hadn’t worked out.

SWEETS: You thought she blamed you?

PRINCE CHARMINGTON: Yeah.

SWEETS: Psych degree for the win!

CUT TO: JEFFERSONIAN LAB. HODGINS is explaining things to CAM and oh hey! BRENNAN, who has been kind of MIA this episode.

HODGINS: The acid that burned through the plastic was from a car battery.

CAM: But car batteries are stored in the hood, you can’t fit a body in that part of the car!

HODGINS: But some Mazerati models have the battery in the back, and I found fibers from the trunk of a Mazerati, too!

BRENNAN: I’ll have Booth see what cars the Dillio employees drive!

CUT TO: DILLIO PARKING LOT, where BIANCA is just getting into her car. BOOTH and BRENNAN walk up. AUDIENCE wonders why SWEETS, after all the work he put in on this case, doesn’t get the satisfaction of collaring the REAL KILLER.

BOOTH: Open your truck.

BIANCA: Why?

BOOTH: I think you know why.

Faced with this INCONTROVERTIBLE LOGIC, BIANCA opens her trunk. BRENNAN finds traces of blood.

BIANCA: Without Debbie, our stock would have plummeted. It was an accident!

BRENNAN: Don’t care, you’re an evil bitch.

BIANCA has no response.

CUT TO: SWEETS’S OFFICE. DAISY enters.

DAISY: Can I see your gun?

It's not an innuendo. SWEETS shows her. They MAKE OUT.

SWEETS: No more sex in my office.

DAISY: Whyyyyy?

SWEETS: Okay, but this is the last time!

CUT TO: BRENNAN’S OFFICE.

BRENNAN, after a long day of not really doing any work (she’s pregnant, cut her some slack!) is doing work in her office. ANGELA enters with MICHAEL, her baby (in case you’d forgotten).

ANGELA: I’m giving up. Wanna come to the toy store with us so someone there can assemble that toy for me?

BRENNAN: Uhhhh…

ANGELA: Bassinets! Mobiles!

BRENNAN: As a soon-to-be parent, those things interest me now! Let’s go!

CUT TO: BOOTH’s APARTMENT. BRENNAN is reading a serious-looking book. BOOTH comes in.

BOOTH: Hey!

BRENNAN: Freeze, copper!

BRENNAN has a gun that shoots foam balls, and she is happily attacking BOOTH.

BRENNAN: Today at the store, I realized that this is fun! And the baby thought it was funny! So now I understand what play is all about!

BOOTH: You’d think as a brilliant anthropologist, you’d already understand what play is all about.

BRENNAN: Apparently not.

BOOTH fishes another gun out of a shopping bag.

BOOTH: You bought two of these?

BRENNAN: Duh.

BOOTH and BRENNAN proceed to have an ADORABLE FOAM-BALL SHOOTOUT, and even though the AUDIENCE can’t help but wonder how their guns seem to magically never run out of foam balls, it is a pretty cute ending.

A second birthday celebration, a long walk, and a lazy afternoon

I am un peu fatiguée and therefore I think a straightforward approach will be best for this entry, lest I ramble off into incoherency. So:

A second birthday celebration (the first one being, of course, my bar adventure)

If you can call it an adventure, that is. For most people, it was just a normal evening out. For me, though, the Princess of Non-Drinkers, it was quite an adventure.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, Corinne had a birthday dinner for me. Caroline came over around 7:45 and we all started on aperitifs, or before-dinner drinks. (Apparently people in America use this word also, so please forgive me if I'm explaining an already-obvious concept. But I'd never really heard the term before.) Anyway, Professor Tarnowski, the Dartmouth prof in charge of the program (my French literature prof) came a little bit later and we continued to sit and have drinks for awhile. I tried to follow the conversation but it's still a little difficult. When people are talking to me it's easier for me to understand; usually they'll slow down and enunciate a bit more, which is great. But I have a really hard time following the conversations of others because they talk so fast and, with speed, the words all run together (as they do in any language).

After Jacques (my host brother) got home, we had dinner, which was delicious, as always. I don't know if I've ever stated explicitly what a great cook Corinne is, but if I haven't, let me do so now. She's awesome. I don't think she's ever cooked a bad meal. We had a cheese souffle and salad with tomatoes, avocados, and olives (which I avoided whenever possible...I would say I dislike olives, but that's not quite true. The truth is that I detest olives probably more than any other other food on the planet, and I include most meats in that statement. But anyway.).

After dinner we had cheese, like usual - camembert, Roquefort, and one other type of blue cheese, and then my host family brought out a chocolate cake with two candles. ("One for each decade," Corinne said.) Everyone sang "Joyeux Anniversaire" and then we ate cake. And it was awesome. I had more for dessert tonight. Seriously, it was really fudgy and delicious. I could eat this cake for the rest of my life.

After cake, I got presents! It was sooo sweet of everyone. Prof. Tarnowski gave me a really pretty blue scarf, which I wore today. (I love the color and I didn't bring any scarves with me, so it was perfect!) Caroline brought me a bag of chocolates from a nice chocolatier and some yellow roses, which she helped my cut and arrange in a vase. And my host family gave me a candle and a nice card, along with a flat wire "wreath" of sorts which you hang on the wall and use to hold pictures. "All you need is a little nail," Corinne said, "and you can hang it up in your room." She said they'd noticed how many pictures I have in my room, so they gave it to me to display them, which I thought was super-sweet. And, as Corinne pointed out, it will be an easy thing to take back to the States with me.

All in all, I had a wonderful couple of days of birthday celebrations, although I really did miss seeing all my family and friends at home.

A long walk

This is pretty self-explanatory, but whatever. After school today, we decided to go to SNCF to make some travel arrangements for spring break (Italy!). I don't know why we went all the way to the SNCF near Parc de la Tête d'Or (a 40 minute walk from the university) when there's a very nice SNCF right on Place Bellecour, but whatever. It wasn't a bad walk and we stopped at a patisserie/chocolatier on the way. (I got some quiche. Quiche over here is soooo much better than quiche in the US. Pizza, on the other hand, is not nearly as good.) At any rate, I didn't feel like walking all the way back by myself, so I took the metro and got off at the stop closest to my house, after which I "explored the neighborhood" (read: somehow managed to get lost) between the metro station and my house. (The problem was that I always just head for the river, because as long as I'm on the Presqu'île I know that if I head for the Saône I can find the apartment practically in my sleep. However, the metro station is stationed pretty much in the middle of the Presqu'île, so when I got out, I was turned-around and headed for the first river I saw, which happened to be the Rhône. Oh, well.) I found a really cool-looking antique store in my travels, though. I'll have to head back there some other time. (I didn't go in today because it opened at 15h30 and when I was looking in the windows it was 15h30 on the dot and I wasn't sure if they were actually open yet.) The window displays were ridiculously awesome, though, and the store (from what I could see) was literally crammed full of silverware, costume jewelry, cameo brooches, serving dishes, etc...a good place to find little treasures. =)

A lazy afternoon

After my long walk and voyage of discovery, I returned to my room with the full intention of starting my reading for next week and then just giving in to the sleepiness that would inevitably arise from such an activity instead of just powering through. However, I remembered that I missed last week's episode of Bones and that, while hulu actually doesn't work in Europe, that Dartmouth has a program that changes one's IP address to make it look like you're in America; thus, I spent the afternoon catchin' up on mah stories. The 100th episode of Bones is tonight, but I won't get to see it until tomorrow evening, what with the time it takes to get posted online after airing on TV and the time difference and my classes. Oh, well. Thank God for Dartmouth and its nifty little technical loopholes.

And now I am going to bed because I am exhausted. Too much excitement in this past week. (I still don't think I've recovered from last weekend's adventures in the south. This weekend, I'm sticking around, though, although I may not be much less busy than I was last weekend. Weekend plans include: going to this French bio-food expo that Kelly discovered, having a potluck picnic on the river with some of my classmates then checking out one of the clubs located on a boat on the river, and possibly making the long trek to le Parc de la Tête d'Or to walk around, relax, and possibly visit the free zoo there. (I don't like to pay for zoos since I'm not sure if I really support them, but since it's free I don't feel too bad about it.)

And now I'm off to bed...too late once again, I fear. Hopefully I can catch up on some sleep this weekend.

Quick Post

A quick round-up of the events of this past week:

- Went hiking on pre-college freshmen trip. We backpacked over 22 miles of the Appalachian Trail in New Hampshire. It was moderately intense, which is still more intense than I was prepared to deal with. Luckily, we managed to miss most of the bad weather from Hurricane Hanna, because we got to sleep in CABINS!!!

- Met Daneille, one of my suitemates. She and her mom came over for dinner, which was nice. I think this year will be a good one, living-situation-wise.

- Second episode of Bones was leagues better than the season premiere. Still not quite up to snuff, though. And seriously, people online need to go easy on Sweets. He is becoming one of my favorite characters.

- The one week I miss Psych (last Friday, see above, re: backpacking) is the one week USA doesn't post the episode online. And it was also a good one, apparently.

- Tonight's episode of Psych was also good. I'm bummed that it won't be back until January, though.

- I am done with working at the Basket...until Thanksgiving/Christmas, anyway. I still need to go pick up my paycheck, though, so I can buy a sicknasty pair of Chucks. Or, you know, use it to pay off some school-related expenses. One is fun; one is responsible. I cannot decide which to go with.

- Facebook's new layout sucks. Just saying.

Now I'm off to clean up my disaster area of a room, maybe do some packing, and catch the 12:30 re-run of the Soup. Later, dudes.

Spoiler Alert!

I am about to commit television blasphemy: I was not happy with the season premiere of Bones.

I waited for it all summer (after a season finale whose plot mainly consisted of "Booth - Zach - Gormagon - WTF?!") and I had high expectations for the season premiere - even though, statistically, most of the shows I watch tend to be weakest in their fourth seasons -Buffy, Gilmore Girls (until the seventh season, which was far worse), and so on. Nevertheless, I thought Bones might be able to somehow sidestep the mud puddle that is a show's fourth season.

If the season premiere is any indication, then the answer is: not so much.

I was excited about the on-location filming in England, but it ended up feeling gimmicky. The Angela-Hodgins breakup (I told you right in the title of this entry, spoiler alert! Don't whine because you didn't pay attention to the warning!) was waaaayyyy too rushed. They're like, "I love you." "No, I love you." "Awww, kisses!!!!" "Wait, you don't trust me." "Well, I don't trust you either." "Let's break up." "I don't want to..." "Me neither. "...but okay." Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! They've gone through two seasons of relationship hurdles and all of a sudden they break up in a diner? In thirty seconds?! Come on, now. If you're having second thoughts about getting married, then DON'T GET MARRIED YET. You don't just break up with your longtime partner over one problem. Go to therapy, for crying out loud. Dr. Sweets - remember him - is a shrink with two doctorates. GET SOME FREE THERAPY FOR PETE'S SAKE.

Everything felt rather off. No one seemed upset about Zach anymore, which I found really weird. I mean, the guy went to Iraq for a couple months and no one could stop talking about it until he returned. The guy kills another human being, betrays the team, is tried for murder, and is sentenced to rot away in a mental institution for the rest of his life, and no one seems to care (apart from Brennan's brief mention of it at the beginning, which I totally didn't buy, by the way...talk about airing the dirty laundry in front of company. It felt like what it was: a quick recap for the audience about the events of last season. Seriously, splurge for a "Previously on Bones" montage. Don't bother with this contrived "let's just put the recap right into the script!" crap.)

Also, the first hour ended abruptly...or did it even end? We never found out who really committed the crime (was it the butler in the sitting room with the fireplace poker?). Not only that, but we never saw anyone all that invested in solving it. It's been established that Booth hates "privileged people" getting away with things. Wouldn't he be out there trying to prove the duke's guilt if he had even the slightest suspicion of his (the duke's) guilt?

And also, the lord was doing his sister? Gross. And yet, no one seemed all that upset about it - even the lord (and his girlfriend's) father, the duke. Are we supposed to believe that the British are just okay with incest for the most part ("Cheerio, this tea is rather cold, and that bloke shags his sister. Two distasteful things in one day. Oh, well.")?

Onto things I didn't hate quite so much: I could buy Cam sleeping with Grayson, and I could buy her feeling guilty about it. I didn't quite like the way things actually unfolded, but I can't put my finger on what it was I didn't like.

There were a few highlights of the episode, though. I liked Pritch (I'd seen the actress in something else - Bride and Prejudice, and it was nice to see her playing someone who wasn't a biznatch), and I wouldn't mind seeing more of her, although not as a love interest for Booth (not just because I love Booth/Brennan, but because I didn't think that he and Pritch had much romantic chemistry. Ian and Brennan had more, and I hated the thought of them together. I didn't like Ian all that much.). I thought the bells ringing when Hodgins and Angela kissed was cute and a nice touch. And pretty much everything with Sweets was good. (I'm one of the few who actually like him, I guess.) I was sad to see Clark - the new addition to the team - go, although I fully understand his reasons. There is far too much drama at the Jeffersonian. It's only a wonder that a smart man like him didn't figure it out way earlier - like last season, when he was there for Max's murder trial. He didn't pick up on the drama then?

All in all, though, it was a lackluster season premiere that hopefully is not an indication of the rest of the season's strength. I think that if the show doesn't get better, I'll have to place it's "jump the shark" moment at last season when they shot Booth. Everything went downhill after that.

But I'll be watching again next week. Hopefully I won't be disappointed again.