Racket Bracket, Day Seven:

Now for some creative takes on Christmas classics!

Neil Diamond's "Hallelujah Chorus"

In a word: YAH.

Select lyrics: The lyrics are divine (thanks, Handel). It's the execution that's the problem.

Defining characteristics: NEIL FREAKING DIAMOND.

Evaluation: I'll make this really simple. There are some songs that should be sung by Neil Diamond and there are some songs that should never, ever be sung be Neil Diamond.

Songs that should be sung by Neil Diamond: Cracklin' Rosie, America, Sweet Caroline

Songs that should never, ever be sung by Neil Diamond: The Hallelujah Chorus

The Hallelujah Chorus is a CHORUS. It is not meant to showcase one particular singer, especially one as Neil Diamond-y as Neil Diamond. Because while a Neil Diamond-esque emphasis sounds really great when you're ushering in a key change in "Cracklin' Rosie" (MAH BAY-BEH!), it does not sound so great when you saying things like "For the Lord God omnipotent reigneth, hallelujah!"

(Real talk: I just took a three-minute break to sing "Cracklin' Rosie.")

ANYHOO, there's not really a set melody line in the Hallelujah Chorus, so Neil just sort of jumps around from part to part at will. The choir nerd in me is crying. If only it were that easy, Neil! Plus everything is sung so forcefully that it sounds less like a heavenly choir and more like someone's drunk Grandpa on Christmas Eve, teetering in a rocking chair and spilling hot buttered rum everywhere.

So that's one take on a Christmas classic. Let's see how Sarah McLachlan does with hers.

The First Noel/Mary Mary

In a word: Um, creative?

Select lyrics:

Some call Him Emanuel, think I'll call him Jesus
Yes, think I'll call him Jesus
Yes, pretty little Jesus
Glory be to the newborn king

Defining characteristics: It's hard to name another Christmas song that doesn't actually have a discernible tune...so that, I guess.

Evaluation: I haven't decided if this song is genius or a big ol' mess. First of all, it's a mash-up, I guess, which should win it points. Who doesn't love a mash-up? Of course, it helps when one of the songs you're mashing--in this case, "The First Noel"--actually sounds like, well, "The First Noel." If you were to hum this song at me and make me guess what it was, never in a million years would I come up with "The First Noel."(I would probably guess "Desert Rose" by Sting. Make of that what you will.)

Second, I've never heard of any Christmas song entitled "Mary Mary." Maybe this is just a musical blind spot specific to me, but I googled it and came up with nothing. Wikipedia did helpfully inform me, however, that several groups have performed songs titled "Mary Mary," including the Monkees (which I knew) and Chumbawumba (which I did not). I think I speak for all of us here when I say that I would love to hear Chumbawumba's version of "Mary Mary" mashed up with a Christmas song--any Christmas song. That would be magical.

Anyway, back to the version of "Mary Mary" we actually have in front of us. The lyrics kill me.

Mary, Mary had a little baby
Yes, pretty little baby
Yes, pretty little baby
Glory be to the newborn king

Some call Him Emanuel, think I'll call him Jesus
Yes, think I'll call him Jesus
Yes, pretty little Jesus
Glory be to the newborn king

 Oh, cool, on first name terms with the Messiah, are you? That's swell.

Also, the universe has presented you with a child that will literally die for your sins and the only complimentary phrase you can come up with is "pretty little baby, yes, pretty little baby"? I would have gone with something like, "Who's mama's majestic little sin-eater?" but that's just me.

So. That's that.

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Final verdict: Tough call, but as I still haven't figured out if "The First Noel/Mary Mary" is a landmark reimagining of a Christmas classic or just a monstrosity, I'll have to go with "The Hallelujah Chorus," which is just straight-up terrible.

Coming up: "The Gift" dukes it out with "Where Are You, Christmas?"