In the Future, Everyone Will Critique Famous Things for Fifteen Minutes

August is depressing. It means that the summer is half over.

The summer is HALF OVER, and I've only been to the beach three times! (And of the three, I only actually went swimming twice, because the first time I went - with Maria and Ashley in June - it was raining and cold and we just walked along avoiding all the fishermen and then went out to lunch.)

So, to clear up the mid-summer slump, here are various opinions on various multimedia productions (TV shows, music videos, and movies).

Since Jess and I both had yesterday off, we got together to veg out since we haven't done the whole "we're-best-friends-so-let's-get-together-and-do-nothing" thing in awhile. Since one of us was broke and the other was stingy, we sat in my family room and watched TV/movies for five-and-a-half hours, whilst eating leftover stroganoff, DiGiorno pizza, and Betty Crocker brownies that we baked (using applesauce instead of vegetable oil because I didn't have enough oil left).

Anyway, we took in such cinematic gems as:

The Rescuers Down Under
Fun children's movie that we watched in order to fulfill our poking fun/reminiscing quota for the week. Joanna the strange lizard was creepy. Frank - the other smaller, less creepy, not-evil strange lizard - was rather annoying. I think kids would've liked him, though, which was the point I guess. The villain was one-dimensional and stupid, and are we really supposed to believe that his giant tree-crushing, cage-carrying vehicle (I hesitate to actually label it a "truck" because it was oh-so-much-more than that) somehow managed to escape the notice of the Australian authorities? Come on, now.

I liked the Australian non-mouse. (In lieu of actually figuring out what type of animal he was supposed to be, I just call him "the non-mouse.") And of course, I liked Bernard and Bianca simply because I liked them when I was a kid.

Jess and I decided it would be fun to count the Australian stereotypes in the movie. We got up to four and gave up because they were coming in so quickly that we couldn't possibly keep track of both the plots and the stereotypes. A few highlights, though:
1. Bad accents (or, in the case of the Australian boy, disappearing accents)
2. Non-essential shot of the Sydney Opera House
3. House in the middle of the Outback for no reason whatsoever
4. Stereotypical Australian hat for stereotypical Australian authority in the form of The Non-Mouse
5. There was lassoing involved
6. Cameo appearances by kangaroos, koalas, wombats (ahhh! so cute!) and other Australian animals that really served no purpose except to remind everyone that "hey, in case you guys forgot, we're in Australia!"
7. Excessive overuse of the word "mate" and phrases like "g'day!"
8. Even more excessive use of a didgeridoo. Like every three-and-a-half seconds.

Come on. I've done my googling; I know that Aussies have way cooler slang words than "mate" and "g'day." Although you probably can't use a lot of them in a G-rated Disney movie.

After the Rescuers had done all their rescuing to a rockin' didgeridoo soundtrack, we watched some music videos on MTVH. (I don't know what the H stands for. This channel comes somewhere in between MTV and MTV2.)

Selected commentary:

Veronicas' Song That I Forget The Name Of
Jess: They're twins. They look exactly the same...and they sound the same too. ... Wait, are they holding hands with that guy or with each other?
(In case you were windering...it was the latter.)

Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl"
Me (for the umpteenth time): This song is so stupid. I hate it. And everyone only sings those two lines -
Jess: "I kissed a girl and I liked i-it/The taste of her cherry chapstick..."
Tracey (having just come in): This is creepy. I don't like this.
Jess: But at the end she wakes up with her boyfriend, so it's okay.
...
Tracey: I don't like it. It's weird.

Video of Guys We Thought Might Be Metro Station But Turned Out Not to Be
Jess (making up her own lyrics): Oooh, we're greasy, ooh, we need shampoo-ooo...
Me: Is that Metro Station?
Jess: I dunno. They need to wash their hair.
Me (as video ends): Oh, that wasn't Metro Station.
Jess (as clip of Metro Station is shown): Doesn't matter; Metro Station needs a bath, too.

Miley Cyrus's "Seven Things" or whatever it's called
Jess: Eew, Miley Cyrus.
Me: Eeew.
Jess: This song is so spazzy.
Me: Huh.
...
Me: I don't want to, but I kind of like it. And I like her outfit. I want it. Especially those knee sock things.
Jess: She's not wearing knee socks.
Me: Whatever kind of socks they are. I like them.

The Pussycat Dolls' "When I Grow Up"
Jess: Look, it's their signature dance move: the Boob Thrust!
Me: The what?!
Jess: Well, what else would you call that?
Me: Yeah, you're right.

Alicia Keyes's "Superwoman"
Jess: Wait, I'm confused. Is she ALL of these people?
Me: Look, we know it's an Alicia Keyes video, because there's the piano.
Jess: Well, when your last name is "Keyes," if you're gonna play an instrument it sorta has to be a piano. ... At least this isn't as annoying as that song she sings, the one you hate because you say it sounds like she's straining her voice.
Me: No one, no one, no wuh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhn...blech.
Jess: Ohmigod, they're REAL PEOPLE!
Me: That's so cool!
Jess: Wow.
Me: That was an inspiring music video. Good on you, Alicia Keyes.

Danity Kane's "Bad Girl"
Jess: They're just like the Pussycat Dolls. Look, they even do the Boob Thrust! Although, it's not quite as intense as the Pussycat Dolls'.
Me: That girl kinda looks like Christina Aguilara.
Jess: No, she doesn't.
Me: Yuh-huh!
Jess: Just 'cause she's blonde?
Me: She looks like her, okay?
Jess: Ooooo-kay...

Random Good Charlotte video
Jess: This had no plot. If videos don't have plot, I get really bored.

Girl Jess Thought Was Avril Lavigne But Wasn't
Jess: Is that Avril Lavigne?
Me: No.
Jess: I thought for a second this was "Sk8r Boi."
Me: It's not.
Jess: What is she wearing? I don't like it.
Me: I can't say as I'm a fan of her eye makeup. She's blonde and it's too dark.
Jess: I don't think she can pull off those aviator sunglasses.
Me: She just keeps striking out as far as eye fashion goes.
...
Me: She kinda looks like Christina Aguilara, too.
Jess: Do you say that about EVERYONE?!

Nelly's "Ride Wit Me"
Jess: Ride WIT Me. Not WITH me. Huh.
Jess and Me: ?
Me (on seeing one of Nelly's posse picking up a newly-married hitchhiker): Well, that bodes well for the marriage.
Jess: ?
Me: ?
Jess: What is this video even about?
Me: They're...partying...and blowing stuff up? Why?
Jess: You ever notice how girls in rap videos don't even have to be pretty, as long as they have this (gestures) going on?

Rhianna's "Disturbia"
Jess: Wow. This is kiund of creepy and...disturbing. I guess it goes with the song, then.

Kate Nash's "Foundation"
Me: OH MY GOD, I LOVE KATE NASH!!!
Jess and Tracey: ...
Jess (in reference to Kate's video boyfriend eating the decorations off her cake): That's so annoying.
Me: Just wait, she'll do what you've been wanting to do since you first saw that shot.
Jess: She slaps his hand?!
Me (as Kate slaps video BF's hand): There it is.
Jess (at the end): Wow, Kate Nash, tell it like it is.

Okay, moving on. Today I finally saw MAMMA MIA! It. Was. Awesome.

Everyone was raving about Meryl Streep's performance, and I was all, "She's doing a good job, but she's not above and beyond the rest of the cast or anything." UNTIL..."The Winner Takes It All." She was AMAZING. I got chills and teared up. Seriously.

Unfortunately for me - MAJOR SPOILER ALERT. If you haven't yet seen Mamma Mia!, don't read this paragraph. At all. So yeah, unfortunately for me, MICHELLE LIED TO ME. I asked her if Colin Firth is the gay guy, and SHE SAID NO. She lied. (Tracey: "In Michelle's defense, she doesn't even know who Colin Firth is.") Doesn't matter, though; I still loved him. The entire cast was fantastic, in fact. I haven't seen the show on stage, but I thought the movie was great - well-cast, fun, touching, and only a little cheesy (but every musical has its cheesy moments).

So, yeah, the only sad part was not being able to get up in the theatre and sing and dance along with the movie. When it comes out on DVD, I am totally having a viewing/sing-along party. Totally. I will even provide hairbrushes for my guests to use as imaginary microphones.

TV:
Tonight's episode of Psych was good. Not awesome. Too little Shawn/Jules stuff. And where was Shawn's dad? Besides the flashback at the beginning, he wasn't in the episode at all. I sorta missed the old killjoy. (Although, in his case, "killjoy" most likely translates to "voice of logic.")

A nice thing - I thought - about last week's episode was how they showed that they haven't abandoned the Shawn/Jules storyline, even though they didn't do much with it. However, "not much" is still better than the half-season of nothing we'd had since they'd almost kissed oh-so-long-ago. After that it was, what? One episode of awkwardness and then everything was back to normal, except there was no more silly Shawn/Jules banter/flirting. Sad.

However, getting back to tonight's episode, I must say that Shawn's speech at the end was good (even if it was just a teensy bit melodramatic). It's kind of cool how the show has been showing a more serious side of Shawn lately, what with his mom coming back and that whole thing with that girl he liked in high school. Veddy eeenterestink (bad accent).

That's about it. Things have been rather quiet at the MB, lately, so nothing much to report there. However, I am working four hours tomorrow before I leave on vacation Monday. Perhaps I'll go out with a bang.

Or maybe everything will go perfectly and I won't have anything to blog - or stress - about.

We shall see.

Bennigan's Declares Bankruptcy! And Other News No One But Me Cares About

Yes, that's right. I am in a state of shock, awe, and sadness - shockawness (that sounds surprisingly like "Loch Ness" with an "-a-" in the middle, as if someone were saying it with a bad, stereotypical Italian accent. Anyway.)

So, yeah, no more Spicy Queso Beer Dip. No more vegetarian fajitas. No more desserts my dining companions assured me were meat by-product free before "discovering" marshmallows in them ("them" being the desserts, not my dining companions).

In short, I've lost my "hey-I-just-achieved-something-let's-go-to-Bennigan's-to-celebrate" spot. Apparently, the privately owned Bennigan's (Bennigan'ses?) will remain open, but they're all in, like, Texas or someplace, and how does that help me? I've never achieved anything in Texas except a sunburn.

Hmmm, what else? Honeydew melons are on sale this week. In my five weeks of employment at the ever-lovely haven known as Market Basket, I'd never once crossed paths with a honeydew melon. (Which was fine by me...something about those things just irks me. I think it's because they're too smooth. Literally.) But suddenly everyone and their mom is buying melons. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. But still. The Honeydews (yes, capital H) and I have made contact.

Also popular this week: Really heavy stuff that's awkward to lift and even more awkward to scan through the price scanner. Stuff like dog food (for Clifford?! Seriously, whose dog eats THIS MUCH in between trips to the MB?), charcoal (grill, grill, grill, suckas!), kitty litter (a deceptively cutesy name for a very non-cutesy item), and so on. Large, unwieldy 24-packs and 35-packs of water bottles (in various sizes) remain a must-have item for every single shopper. Sometimes they will even insist upon loading all FIFTY SIX (or, you know, four) of their Awkward Water Packs onto the conveyor belt and pushing the carriage all the way to the end so that I have no choice but to scan each individual bulky package. Arg.

Still have not seen The Dark Knight. I actually have no desire to - ahhh! Please stop throwing rotten fruit at me! I KNOW, it's the performance of Heath Ledger's career! I KNOW it was awesome! I've heard about the "pencil trick" (although no one will explain the awesomeness of the "pencil trick" to me...they - "they" being my friends that have seen The Dark Knight, most likely multiple times - only look at each other knowingly and go, "Pencil...trick..." in my presence). But seriously. Stop trying to convince me to see it. I'm just not a Batman kind of gal. I like movies where people break into song. Preferably in Greece. With Colin Firth. And ABBA songs.

So, take a guess which movie I'll use my movie-watching budget on before devoting the hypothetical leftover cash to this Batman guy. Just take a gander.

Apart from Mamma Mia, I really want to see Girl With a Pearl Earring. No, not just because Colin Firth is also in that. I actually just finished reading the book (which I bought for $14.90 - sale! - at Borders before realizing that I could have just borrowed it from my mom). It was pretty good. Not my new favorite, but it was in the running there for a little while. Since I finished that, I've tried rereading The Enchanted April, which I'd started last year. I'd never gotten past the first page of the second chapter. But since I'd read A Room with a View earlier this year (and liked it), and the critical praise on the back of The Enchanted April said that those who loved A Room with a View would also love The Enchanted April, I figured, hey, let's give it another try. So I am. And I'm liking it so far (I'm just over 1/3 of the way through it). I really should go to the library and pick up some books to bring with me on vacation next week. On the other hand, I really SHOULDN'T go to the library and pick up some books. I've still only just made a dent in my mandatory (?) school reading - The Wisdom of Crowds by James Surowiecki - and I really should do some more work on it. On the OTHER hand, if you can't relax and read what you want to while you're on VACATION, when can you?!

Finally, speaking of vacations, Jess and I both have TOMORROW OFF! Well, she has something in the morning, and I have to tutor at three-thirty, but other than that, it's gonna me Renée and Jess: Best Friends Together Again! (Cue music: "Reunited and It Feels So Good")

Off to read, sleep, and enjoy the fact that tomorrow I am living SUPERMARKET FREE!!! I mean, until I try to cook a meal for myself. Then it's all "Gotta get some bread -two for three dollars if it's generic - some sugar, some cinnamon, and some I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! and slice up some 4174s to make turnovers. Yum!" "Pass the 4066s, please." "Why are there 4497s in the fridge?! You know I only like 4023s!"

Jess - and other Market Basket employees - will understand. Well, they'll understand the codes, anyway, I'm probably the only one that thinks of her fruits and veggies in terms of produce codes.

Well, good night.