Racket Bracket, Day Five: Hey Santa, Bring Shoes

Hey, it's me. I'm back. I had an attack of the Lazies and spent the last several days doing things that were definitely not writing. But here I am, still lazy but resolved to catch up on the past few days' worth of annoying Christmas songs. And "The Christmas Shoes" is here to kick (pun intended) things off. How will it fare against "Hey Santa"? Let's find out!

The Christmas Shoes

In a word: There are no words.

Select lyrics:

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Defining characteristics: Smarmy, self-satisfied humanitarianism, possibly a scathing indictment of capitalism?

Evaluation: Hating "The Christmas Shoes" has, it seems, become something of a Christmas tradition in its own right. If YouTube comments sections are to be believed, however, there is a small but very vehement contingent of the population that loves "The Christmas Shoes." I mean LOVES it. I've seen proponents of "The Christmas Shoes" offer gloomy prophesies of Hell for people who happen to dislike the song. ("I'll pray for your soul," one commenter offered.)

Hell does not faze me. It can't be as bad as "The Christmas Shoes."


Hey, Santa

In a word: Singsong.

Select lyrics:

Hey Santa
Hey Santa...Santa
I wish with all my might
Hey Santa
Hey Santa...Santa
Bring my baby home tonight

Defining characteristics: Aside from an annoying hook, we're all over the place here.

Evaluation: I'm not really sure what this song is trying to achieve. The first verse gets all introspective:

If every day was Christmas
If we could make believe
If everyone would care a little more
There'd be harmony

Okay. Seems a bit like we're veering into "Grown-Up Christmas List" or "Believe" territory here, but I'll follow. What else you got?

The city is covered in snow tonight
The children fast asleep
I'm waiting for him, but he's nowhere in sight
And I wonder if he can hear me

Okay. I'll say this again: SANTA AND GOD ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON. Santa is to God what a personal shopper is to...well, God. One is in charge of helping you accumulate as many material goods as possible. The other one sent his son to tell everyone to renounce material goods. This is a problematic link you're trying to make here.

But anyway, okay. Assuming Santa could actually throw "more harmony" in a gift bag and chuck it down your chimney, what would you say to him? What other altruistic abstract gift requests have you got?

Bring my baby home tonight

That's it? Really? You started out on such a grand scale and then you dialed it back reeeeally quickly. All that crap about harmony and caring was just a smokescreen so you could speed up your boyfriend's travel agenda? Lady, this is not what Christmas is about.

And what is Santa supposed to do about it anyway?

I know your sleigh is full inside
But won't you stop and give my baby a ride  

Seriously? Santa has to traverse the entire globe giving presents to ungrateful snots like you, and you want him to give rides to your pals? Do you see a sign that says "North Pole Taxi Service" on this sleigh? DO YOU? I thought not.

You know who might provide your boyfriend a ride to your front door? An actual taxi service. If your boyfriend is too cheap to hire a real taxi (or, if he's strapped for cash, pay for a real bus ticket), he does not deserve a ride from Father Christmas, okay? (If he can afford neither a bus ticket nor a taxi fare, you should probably wish for him to have something practical, like a pair of sensible Christmas shoes, before you start requesting that Santa Apparate him onto your doorstep or some nonsense like that.)

Also, the fact that the boyfriend is never referred to anything but "my baby" (and on one occasion, "my wish") throughout the entirety of the song just irks me. UNLESS! Alternate explanation time here:

The song is about a sad mother whose baby has disappeared--been spirited away by fairies (faeries? I feel like "fairies" do nice things but "faeries" steal babies and lure travelers into bogs and whatnot. Am I just making this up, or is this an actual thing?) or kidnapped and held for ransom by terrorists who are now spending their Christmas in a firefight with Bruce Willis. The reason isn't really important.

Anyway, the mom misses her kid and wants Santa to bring him home. This would explain why Santa needs to provide transportation (no kid has the money for a taxi, riding a bus alone is just ill-advised at any age but especially if you are under twelve, and obviously one can't expect a kidnapped toddler to pop into the nearest Enterprise and rent a sensible sedan). This would also explain that preoccupation the song's narrator has with sleeping children.

No, wait, I just got to the ending line about mistletoe. Now I sincerely hope this song is not about an actual child.

Final verdict: "Hey Santa" is annoying but mainly harmless. "The Christmas Shoes" is a smug, self-satisfied, obnoxious song that cannot even be redeemed by Patton Oswalt's hilarious send-up of it. "Christmas Shoes" moves on.