Brief Sketches of Life at the MB

In haiku form, because I'm feeling especially creative.

I. Ode to the Indecisive Customer
You say you want it
You bring it to the checkout
You don't want it now.

II. Ode to the Person Who Doesn't Understand the Concept of Produce Codes
It's a pear, you say
A pear! One-ninety-nine!
I smile; type the code.

III. Ode to My Register
Why must you hurt me?
I only tried to wash you.
You cut my finger.

IV. Odes to Working Past Closing
I ring items up.
When did the line get so long?
Oh, right; it's closing.

Everyone rushes
To put their stuff on the belt
I inwardly cuss.

V. Ode to Breaking Down the Bread Aisle
Hey, I was just here
How did it get so messy?
Unsupervised kids.

VI. Ode to Doing Overstock
Where does this belong?
I can't find a spot nearby.
Hide it in the back.*

*Not that I actually do this.

VII. Ode to Damaged Goods
Ice cream in bread aisle
Melts faster than you might think
Three dollars wasted.

VIII. Ode to WIC Transactions
The road to hell is
Not paved with good intentions
But with damned WIC checks.

IX. Ode to Those Who Move the Divider Between Orders
I am not psychic.
I don't know which stuff is yours
And which stuff is theirs.

X. Ode to Calling For Voids
Blink blink goes my light
Supervisor override
Ah, back to normal.

XI. Ode to the Lazy Bagger
Stuff is piling up
I wonder what's going on
Bagger is texting.

XII. Ode to the Customer who Oversteps Her Bounds
I get paid chump change
To scan your items through, ma'am.
Please don't scan your own.

XIII. Ode to the Break Room
Awfully hot in here
Microwave gross, flies on walls
"Broken room," more like.

XIV. Ode to Leaky Items
Mysterious goo
Sticks to my hands for hours
Get me some Purell!

XV. Ode to Crying Children
Little boy throws fit
Please just buy him the candy
Or else shoot me now.

XVI. Ode to Awkwardly Lovable Customers
Don't be embarrassed
Sir, I know those tampons are for
Your lovely wife.

XVII. Ode to the Dress Code
"Recommended shoes:
Low heels or pumps for women."
Ha ha ha ha...no.*

*Stand in heels/pumps for FIVE HOURS STRAIGHT? Dress code was obviously written by a man.

XVIII. Ode to the Customer who is Strapped for Cash
Why yes, sir, you can
Pay with both cash and debit.
I'd prefer you don't.

XIX. Ode to Customers Who Pay All in One-Dollar Bills
Your bill was quite large
Why did you pay all in ones?
Why do you hate me?

XX. Ode to the Receipt Machine
This lady ordered
Three bazillion items
Why must you jam now?!

Be kind to your local supermarket staff. They deal with all this - and WORSE - on a daily basis. Plus, if you're an especially annoying customer, they'll complain about you to their friends and possibly blog about you. So yeah, be nice.

BONUS! From Chris, as I IM him while writing this:
Customer must leave,
"Just going to get money."
Cart never reclaimed.

My reply:
Void the whole order
Oh Lord, just kill me now please
Supervisor pissed.

And that's life at the MB.

10 Things to Do When Your Internet is Down

10. Scroll down your favorites list, looking at all the sites you want but can't access.
9. Play Minesweeper.
8. I mean actually play it, not just click randomly until you die.
7. Clean out your "My Documents" folder.
6. Get distracted by all the weird stuff you actually saved in your "My Documents" folder four years ago and have never re-viewed until now.
5. Continually refresh your Internet, in hopes that the torture has ended. (It has to eventually. IT MUST!!!)
4. Smack your computer monitor as if it were a person you were smacking upside the head.
3. Customize the Minesweeper window so it's 24x36 with only ten mines. Maybe now you'll finally win.
2. Silently (or not-so-silently) curse your Internet provider, modem, wireless connection, computer, store that sold you the modem and the wireless connection, etc.
1. Permanently delete Minesweeper from your computer. Take that, you smarmy bugger.