Trick or Treat or Math

I have a theory that most great academic work is undertaken in order to prove somebody else wrong. There's nothing quite like the rush that comes from getting to do an obnoxious "told you so" dance, and--if you're a nerd like me--that joy is easily multiplied tenfold when you get to footnote your gloating with sources and facts and snooty research. (Or, in this case, "research" with air quotes.)

It's not unlike a sugar rush, you might say. What an appropriate analogy, because we're talking about Halloween candy! You might think tonight is just a night for costumes and free candy (or, if you're an adult, costumes and booze), but for me, it was the scene of a grand experiment.

BACKGROUND
Like all great experiments, mine had its roots in a great debate. But first, I need to set the scene. My sister and I, being your typical millennials, both live at home still. The difference between living at home as a teenager and living at home as an adult, however, is that when Halloween rolls around, you are now in charge of buying the candy instead of just eating it with wild abandon.

But since communication is apparently not one of Tracey's and my strong points, we did not coordinate on the purchase of our Halloween candy. Which meant that we ended up with ten bags of various fun-sized chocolate bars, a fact that I did not discover until about a week before Halloween, when I mentioned to my father that I'd bought some candy.

"I think Tracey did, too," he said. "But what did you get?"

"100 Grands," I said. "3 Musketeers. Yorks."

"YORKS?!" my dad shouted. He was driving at the time, and I half-expected him to dramatically slam on the brakes in indignation and disbelief. "You bought Yorks? That's the worst candy ever!"

"I like Yorks!" I insisted. "Who doesn't love peppermint? I never used to get them in my treat bag as a kid--"

He snorted. I ignored him.

"--and I would have liked to, so I got them as a service to all the other neighborhood kids."

"I was listening to the radio the other day," he said, disregarding my impassioned defense of peppermint patties, "and they voted those the worst candies. What else did you get?"

"Butterfingers," I said, feeling confident in this choice, at least.

"You got all the terrible ones!" he cackled. "That was like the third worst on the list."

"I've never met someone who doesn't like Butterfingers!" I insisted. "I mean, maybe some of my friends don't really like them like them, but I've never met anyone who vehemently dislikes them."

"I hope Tracey picked better candies than you," was the only rejoinder I got.

The next day, I had the chance to ask Tracey which candies she'd bought. "Milky Ways, Kit-Kats, Snickers, 100 Grands, Crunch, and Butterfingers," she said. "Why, what did you get?"

"100 Grand, Butterfingers, 3 Musketeers, and Yorks," I said.

"YORKS?!" she hooted. "What are you, eighty-five years old?!"

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU?" my dad shouted, appearing out of nowhere to gloat.

"Do you hate children?" Tracey said. "Do you even want people to come to our house?"

It was then that I decided to take on what is undoubtedly the greatest, most relevant, and most important experiment of our time: I was going to prove that Yorks are a legitimate Halloween candy choice, dammit, or I was going to die trying.

THE (100) GRAND EXPERIMENT
I was the sole person in charge of distributing candy this year, given that everyone else conveniently had plans to be out of the house during prime trick-or-treating time. So I put my plan in motion.

I emptied all the available 100 Grands and Butterfingers into the candy basket without bothering to count them--since Tracey and I had both picked them, they weren't part of the argument. I decided to put in equal numbers of all the other candies and observe which, if any, were left at the end of the night. Due to the fact that Tracey had taken some of her candy to distribute among her coworkers, I had only 14 Snickers and 14 Kit-Kats left to work with, so I put 14 of each type of candy into the basket, mixed things up as well as I could, and waited for 6:00 to roll around.

The first hour or so went by pretty uneventfully. The kids were told they could each take one piece of candy, although I saw a couple sneak two. (Clearly scientific variables mean NOTHING to these children.) At 6:55--nearly the halfway point for the trick-or-treating window in our town--I took a tally of what remained (excluding, once again, the 100 Grands and the Butterfingers). Here's what was left:

Snickers = 11 (79% remaining)
Kit Kat = 3 (21% remaining)
Milky Way = 7 (50% remaining)
Crunch = 3 (21% remaining)
Tracey's candy = 43% remaining


Yorks = 7 (50% remaining)
3 Musketeers = 5 (36% remaining)
Renée's candy = 43% remaining

OH SNAP!

Although it's still anyone's game in terms of statistics, so far anecdotal evidence unfortunately appears to support the hypothesis that Yorks are "the worst candy ever," as I watched one little boy pick up a Yorks, realize what it was, debate putting it back, decide it would be rude, and put it into his bag with a palpable mixture of disappointment and vague resentment.

Things really got interesting around 7:15, when a group of around 30 kids traveling in what can only be described as a herd descended upon my doorstep. Two little girls argued over the last Yorks in the basket--score one for Yorks!--and, as a side note, about a quarter of the group went absolutely ga-ga over the Butterfingers, saying we were the first house to have them. Weird.

Needless to say, at 7:20 the breakdown of remaining candy was dramatically different.

Snickers = 1* (< 1 % remaining)
Kit Kat = 0 (0% remaining)
Milky Way = 4 (29% remaining)
Crunch = 1 (< 1% remaining)
Tracey's candy = 11% remaining
*There were actually 2 Snickers of the original 14 remaining, but the package was wide open so I removed it from the basket. I'm many things, but I'm not the sort of person to feed children suspicious candy bars.

Yorks = 0 (0% remaining)
3 Musketeers = 1 (< 1% remaining)
Renée's candy = < 1 % remaining

At this point, we were running low on candy, so I had to add a few bars. I was all out of Snickers and Kit-Kats, though, so I just added 2 candies each of Milky Way, Crunch, Yorks, and 3 Musketeers. (All future percentages for those candies will therefore be calculated using a total of 16 candies instead of 14, because that's how math works. I think. I was an English major and we're talking about Halloween candy; you should really just take all of this with a grain of salt.)

After the giant pack of York-loving children departed, the rest of the night was pretty quiet, although I did have this gem of a conversation with three of the last trick-or-treaters of the night, all of whom were probably under seven or eight years old:

Girl: Are there any more Kit-Kats?
Me: No, not anymore. We had some earlier, but they went really quickly.
Girl, with the air of a defense attorney cross-examining a witness: But there WERE Kit-Kats at one point?
Me: Yeah, but they're all gone now.
Boy #1: Did the big kids get 'em?
Me: I think so.
Boy #2, arriving on the scene: I like Kit-Kats, too.
Me: I know, they're good! But we don't have any more.
Boy #2: I think I've got a Kit-Kat in here somewhere.
He rummages through his candy bag, finds a Kit-Kat, and holds it up for inspection.
Boy #2: There it is!
Me, at a loss: Yep, that's a Kit-Kat...!
Awkward pause as Boy #2 combs extensively through all the remaining candy in the basket.
Boy #2: I don't really like any of this candy.
Me: No?
Boy #2: Yeah. I guess I'll just...
He picks up a 100 Grand, puts it back, ignores his friends calling him impatiently from across the yard, picks up a Butterfinger, hesitates, starts to put it back, then bags it with a "what the hell, why not?" sort of attitude.
Boy #2: Thank you!
Me: ...!

Kids, man. They're priceless.

By the end of the night, the numbers were as follows:

Snickers = 0*/14 (0% remaining)
Kit Kat = 0/14 (0% remaining)
Milky Way = 1/16 (< 1 % remaining)
Crunch = 0/16 (0% remaining)
Tracey's candy = 0.01667% remaining
*Still one Snickers technically left that's not counting toward the total. But let's be real, it probably would have gone anyway.

Yorks = 0/16 (0% remaining)
3 Musketeers = 1/16 (< 1% remaining)
Renée's candy = 0.03125% remaining

CONCLUSION
So Tracey beat me, but only barely. We both finished with less than one percent of our candy remaining, and the thing that kept me from winning, it really must be noted, was NOT a Yorks Peppermint Patty. I can only conclude that Yorks are not the worst candy ever, and my family really needs to have more faith in my candy-picking abilities.

Now...here's to a statistics-free November!

And that's how nerds do Halloween.

In the Future, Everyone Will Critique Famous Things for Fifteen Minutes

August is depressing. It means that the summer is half over.

The summer is HALF OVER, and I've only been to the beach three times! (And of the three, I only actually went swimming twice, because the first time I went - with Maria and Ashley in June - it was raining and cold and we just walked along avoiding all the fishermen and then went out to lunch.)

So, to clear up the mid-summer slump, here are various opinions on various multimedia productions (TV shows, music videos, and movies).

Since Jess and I both had yesterday off, we got together to veg out since we haven't done the whole "we're-best-friends-so-let's-get-together-and-do-nothing" thing in awhile. Since one of us was broke and the other was stingy, we sat in my family room and watched TV/movies for five-and-a-half hours, whilst eating leftover stroganoff, DiGiorno pizza, and Betty Crocker brownies that we baked (using applesauce instead of vegetable oil because I didn't have enough oil left).

Anyway, we took in such cinematic gems as:

The Rescuers Down Under
Fun children's movie that we watched in order to fulfill our poking fun/reminiscing quota for the week. Joanna the strange lizard was creepy. Frank - the other smaller, less creepy, not-evil strange lizard - was rather annoying. I think kids would've liked him, though, which was the point I guess. The villain was one-dimensional and stupid, and are we really supposed to believe that his giant tree-crushing, cage-carrying vehicle (I hesitate to actually label it a "truck" because it was oh-so-much-more than that) somehow managed to escape the notice of the Australian authorities? Come on, now.

I liked the Australian non-mouse. (In lieu of actually figuring out what type of animal he was supposed to be, I just call him "the non-mouse.") And of course, I liked Bernard and Bianca simply because I liked them when I was a kid.

Jess and I decided it would be fun to count the Australian stereotypes in the movie. We got up to four and gave up because they were coming in so quickly that we couldn't possibly keep track of both the plots and the stereotypes. A few highlights, though:
1. Bad accents (or, in the case of the Australian boy, disappearing accents)
2. Non-essential shot of the Sydney Opera House
3. House in the middle of the Outback for no reason whatsoever
4. Stereotypical Australian hat for stereotypical Australian authority in the form of The Non-Mouse
5. There was lassoing involved
6. Cameo appearances by kangaroos, koalas, wombats (ahhh! so cute!) and other Australian animals that really served no purpose except to remind everyone that "hey, in case you guys forgot, we're in Australia!"
7. Excessive overuse of the word "mate" and phrases like "g'day!"
8. Even more excessive use of a didgeridoo. Like every three-and-a-half seconds.

Come on. I've done my googling; I know that Aussies have way cooler slang words than "mate" and "g'day." Although you probably can't use a lot of them in a G-rated Disney movie.

After the Rescuers had done all their rescuing to a rockin' didgeridoo soundtrack, we watched some music videos on MTVH. (I don't know what the H stands for. This channel comes somewhere in between MTV and MTV2.)

Selected commentary:

Veronicas' Song That I Forget The Name Of
Jess: They're twins. They look exactly the same...and they sound the same too. ... Wait, are they holding hands with that guy or with each other?
(In case you were windering...it was the latter.)

Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl"
Me (for the umpteenth time): This song is so stupid. I hate it. And everyone only sings those two lines -
Jess: "I kissed a girl and I liked i-it/The taste of her cherry chapstick..."
Tracey (having just come in): This is creepy. I don't like this.
Jess: But at the end she wakes up with her boyfriend, so it's okay.
...
Tracey: I don't like it. It's weird.

Video of Guys We Thought Might Be Metro Station But Turned Out Not to Be
Jess (making up her own lyrics): Oooh, we're greasy, ooh, we need shampoo-ooo...
Me: Is that Metro Station?
Jess: I dunno. They need to wash their hair.
Me (as video ends): Oh, that wasn't Metro Station.
Jess (as clip of Metro Station is shown): Doesn't matter; Metro Station needs a bath, too.

Miley Cyrus's "Seven Things" or whatever it's called
Jess: Eew, Miley Cyrus.
Me: Eeew.
Jess: This song is so spazzy.
Me: Huh.
...
Me: I don't want to, but I kind of like it. And I like her outfit. I want it. Especially those knee sock things.
Jess: She's not wearing knee socks.
Me: Whatever kind of socks they are. I like them.

The Pussycat Dolls' "When I Grow Up"
Jess: Look, it's their signature dance move: the Boob Thrust!
Me: The what?!
Jess: Well, what else would you call that?
Me: Yeah, you're right.

Alicia Keyes's "Superwoman"
Jess: Wait, I'm confused. Is she ALL of these people?
Me: Look, we know it's an Alicia Keyes video, because there's the piano.
Jess: Well, when your last name is "Keyes," if you're gonna play an instrument it sorta has to be a piano. ... At least this isn't as annoying as that song she sings, the one you hate because you say it sounds like she's straining her voice.
Me: No one, no one, no wuh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhn...blech.
Jess: Ohmigod, they're REAL PEOPLE!
Me: That's so cool!
Jess: Wow.
Me: That was an inspiring music video. Good on you, Alicia Keyes.

Danity Kane's "Bad Girl"
Jess: They're just like the Pussycat Dolls. Look, they even do the Boob Thrust! Although, it's not quite as intense as the Pussycat Dolls'.
Me: That girl kinda looks like Christina Aguilara.
Jess: No, she doesn't.
Me: Yuh-huh!
Jess: Just 'cause she's blonde?
Me: She looks like her, okay?
Jess: Ooooo-kay...

Random Good Charlotte video
Jess: This had no plot. If videos don't have plot, I get really bored.

Girl Jess Thought Was Avril Lavigne But Wasn't
Jess: Is that Avril Lavigne?
Me: No.
Jess: I thought for a second this was "Sk8r Boi."
Me: It's not.
Jess: What is she wearing? I don't like it.
Me: I can't say as I'm a fan of her eye makeup. She's blonde and it's too dark.
Jess: I don't think she can pull off those aviator sunglasses.
Me: She just keeps striking out as far as eye fashion goes.
...
Me: She kinda looks like Christina Aguilara, too.
Jess: Do you say that about EVERYONE?!

Nelly's "Ride Wit Me"
Jess: Ride WIT Me. Not WITH me. Huh.
Jess and Me: ?
Me (on seeing one of Nelly's posse picking up a newly-married hitchhiker): Well, that bodes well for the marriage.
Jess: ?
Me: ?
Jess: What is this video even about?
Me: They're...partying...and blowing stuff up? Why?
Jess: You ever notice how girls in rap videos don't even have to be pretty, as long as they have this (gestures) going on?

Rhianna's "Disturbia"
Jess: Wow. This is kiund of creepy and...disturbing. I guess it goes with the song, then.

Kate Nash's "Foundation"
Me: OH MY GOD, I LOVE KATE NASH!!!
Jess and Tracey: ...
Jess (in reference to Kate's video boyfriend eating the decorations off her cake): That's so annoying.
Me: Just wait, she'll do what you've been wanting to do since you first saw that shot.
Jess: She slaps his hand?!
Me (as Kate slaps video BF's hand): There it is.
Jess (at the end): Wow, Kate Nash, tell it like it is.

Okay, moving on. Today I finally saw MAMMA MIA! It. Was. Awesome.

Everyone was raving about Meryl Streep's performance, and I was all, "She's doing a good job, but she's not above and beyond the rest of the cast or anything." UNTIL..."The Winner Takes It All." She was AMAZING. I got chills and teared up. Seriously.

Unfortunately for me - MAJOR SPOILER ALERT. If you haven't yet seen Mamma Mia!, don't read this paragraph. At all. So yeah, unfortunately for me, MICHELLE LIED TO ME. I asked her if Colin Firth is the gay guy, and SHE SAID NO. She lied. (Tracey: "In Michelle's defense, she doesn't even know who Colin Firth is.") Doesn't matter, though; I still loved him. The entire cast was fantastic, in fact. I haven't seen the show on stage, but I thought the movie was great - well-cast, fun, touching, and only a little cheesy (but every musical has its cheesy moments).

So, yeah, the only sad part was not being able to get up in the theatre and sing and dance along with the movie. When it comes out on DVD, I am totally having a viewing/sing-along party. Totally. I will even provide hairbrushes for my guests to use as imaginary microphones.

TV:
Tonight's episode of Psych was good. Not awesome. Too little Shawn/Jules stuff. And where was Shawn's dad? Besides the flashback at the beginning, he wasn't in the episode at all. I sorta missed the old killjoy. (Although, in his case, "killjoy" most likely translates to "voice of logic.")

A nice thing - I thought - about last week's episode was how they showed that they haven't abandoned the Shawn/Jules storyline, even though they didn't do much with it. However, "not much" is still better than the half-season of nothing we'd had since they'd almost kissed oh-so-long-ago. After that it was, what? One episode of awkwardness and then everything was back to normal, except there was no more silly Shawn/Jules banter/flirting. Sad.

However, getting back to tonight's episode, I must say that Shawn's speech at the end was good (even if it was just a teensy bit melodramatic). It's kind of cool how the show has been showing a more serious side of Shawn lately, what with his mom coming back and that whole thing with that girl he liked in high school. Veddy eeenterestink (bad accent).

That's about it. Things have been rather quiet at the MB, lately, so nothing much to report there. However, I am working four hours tomorrow before I leave on vacation Monday. Perhaps I'll go out with a bang.

Or maybe everything will go perfectly and I won't have anything to blog - or stress - about.

We shall see.