Today's contenders are slightly less likely to get stuck in your head but are no less irritating. Let's hear it for "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" and "Santa Looked A Lot Like Daddy."
Two notes before we get started:
1. In terms of thematic content, these are basically the same song, right? Can we all agree on that right now?
2. I hate to spoil this for you if you're still living in a bubble of childlike innocence, but Santa is the dad. The dad is Santa. Just thought I'd rip that Band-Aid off real quickly right at the beginning, because apparently some people (adults!) have not made that connection yet. BUT this is a point that we will definitely be returning to. Take note.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
In a word: INFIDELITY!
Select lyrics (okay, all the lyrics):
I saw mommy kissing Santa ClausDefining characteristics: A complete disregard for the sanctity of marriage, absolutely zero pre-divorce angst, a wholehearted embrace of peeping tommery
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep;
She thought that I was tucked up
In my bedroom fast asleep.
Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white;
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.
Evaluation: So, let me get this straight, child. Your mom sent you to bed, but you snuck downstairs, where you witnessed your mother kissing a man who is not your father. Not only that, but she is kissing the mythical childhood hero of children the world over. And your only reaction is that it would be "a laugh" if your dad had witnessed it as well? I call bullshit on two fronts:
1. This child is not the least bit worried about the state of her parents' marriage? When my sister and I were little, we convinced ourselves that our mother was going to run away with the guy who snowplowed our driveway (?!). Any time she had to talk to the plow guy, we'd sit inside in fearful trepidation of their pending elopement. We did not think it would be "a laugh" when our dad found out. And this was for a hypothetical divorce-catalyst. Pretty sure if we ever witnessed mom and the plow guy exchanging so much as a polite handshake we would have huddled, crying, in a closet somewhere. And this kid is like, "Jolly good, jolly good, what a scream! Mom and Santa! Har-har!"
2. Let's say the dad in this song is, in fact, kind of a jerk. Let's say this child would be happy to find any reason to kick dear old pops to the curb. If that is the case, why isn't this kid more excited? SANTA IS YOUR NEW DAD! Do you know what this means? DO YOU?! Toys all year! Elves to do your bidding! Magical flying sleigh! This kid is crafty ("She didn't see me creep/Down the stairs to have a peep"). Veeeeery sneaky. Let's be real, this child is possibly one of the most opportunistic children on the planet. (Why are you sneaking downstairs to spy on your mom, anyway? BLACKMAIL?) There's no way she hasn't worked out that Santa Dad means TONS of "buying your love" presents, especially when Santa Dad needs to atone for breaking up her parents' marriage. Given all this, this child is surprisingly blasé about this whole situation.
But that's all from a child's perspective. From an adult's perspective, this is a song about Dad dressing up like Santa and Mom subsequently throwing herself at him. Look. I really don't want to know what weird stuff parents are getting up to, especially at Christmas. Let's not write songs about this. Ever.
Also, most versions of this song fail the cardinal rule of Christmas carols (no adults singing songs meant to be sung by children). Fail, fail, fail.
Speaking of failing...
Santa Looked A Lot Like Daddy
In a word: INFIDELITY! (Again! Did I mention that this is basically the same song?)
Select lyrics:
Well they thought that I was fast a sleepin'Defining characteristics: Pretty much everything that defined "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" defines this song. Oh, and country twang.
They thought that I was tucked in bed
They never thought that I'd come a peepin'
Or that I'd hear what was said
Santa put his arm around Momma
And Momma put her arm around him
So if Santa Claus ain't Daddy
Then I'm gonna tell on them
Evaluation: Just look at the lyrics. This song is the same song as "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," but as if the person singing it forgot how the song went and only remembered the general premise and certain key words.
"Merry Christmas, sweetheart. What song would you like me to sing you to sleep with tonight?"
"The one about Mommy kissing Santa!"
"Oh, um...Daddy doesn't know that one very well, darlin'. What other song would you like?"
"I DON'T WANT ANOTHER SONG! SING THAT ONE!"
"Oh, um, okay then...well, it goes like, um...Santa...looked a lot like Daddy..."
BAM. I just scripted a veritable docudrama about how this song came to be. TV stations can air this every holiday season from now until the end of time. If you need me, I will be over here cashing royalty checks every December for the rest of my life.
At least the kid in this version seems to grasp the power he now commands over his hapless parent(s), resolving to "tell on" his mom and the white-bearded, red-suited Lothario that is currently lurking around the family home. Now you're using your head, kid! Ask for--nay, demand--a pony and a puppy and whatever the 1965 equivalent of an iPhone is (a Red Ryder BB gun?). What are they gonna do about it? YOU HOLD THE POWER! Ahem. Anyway.
Aside from the kinda-sorta-plagiarism, "Santa Looked A Lot Like Daddy" suffers from another problem, which is that it has no idea which questions to answer and which questions to leave up to interpretation. "Is it Santa or Daddy?" Answered: Daddy. Even the kid who believes in Santa is 99% sure that it's his dad running around in what I imagine is a fairly uncomfortable holiday getup. But then it leaves us hanging with lines like "They never thought...I'd hear what was said." WHAT WAS SAID? I am dying to know what a conversation between this kid's mom and Maybe-Dad-Maybe-Santa would sound like.
On second thought...maybe not.
§
Final verdict: Tough call, since they're basically the same exact song, but "Santa Looked A Lot Like Daddy" has the unfortunate distinction of also being a country song, so it moves on to the next round.
Tomorrow: Get ready to have your heartstrings savagely tugged by the saccharine stylings of "Believe" and "My Grown-Up Christmas List"!
1 comment:
Just for the record, I never even remember talking to the plow guy...how did you two ever come up with such a ridiculous idea? Or was that just literary license to embellish your writing?
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