Racket Bracket, Day One: Bags Full O' Teeth

It's officially started! Here to kick off the search for the most annoying Christmas song of all time, it's All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth, along with the challenger: The Man With the Bag. Brace yourselves. We're doing this.

All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

In a word: Lisp-mas.

Select lyrics:

All I want for Christmas
Is my two front teeth
My two front teeth
Just my two front teeth
Gee, if I could only have
My two front teeth
Then I could wish you Merry Christmas

Defining characteristics: Nails-on-a-chalkboard whistling noise throughout, forced "aww shucks, isn't this cuuuuute?" vibe

Evaluation: You basically have it from the chorus alone. Our song is about a sad child that witheth hith or her front teeth weren't missinth becauthe thith maketh it impothible to with anyone a Merry Chrithtmath. It is, however, still entirely possible to tell people to have a lovely holiday, a happy new year, or even a wonderful Hannukah. (Admittedly, Kwanzaa and Saturnalia are out.) So don't bring that weaksauce argument in here, kid. If you really wanted to wish people Merry Christmas, you'd find a way to do it.

But I could forgive the weak premise if the execution weren't so damn annoying. First of all, the version of the song I've linked to (the version I'm basing this evaluation on) breaks what might be my only hard-and-fast Christmas carol rule, which is this: ADULTS MAY NOT SING SONGS MEANT TO BE SUNG BY CHILDREN. If you are over the age of ten, you are not allowed to sing songs that showcase the laughably adorable naiveté of children, because you are, in fact, not a child. It's like when Miley Cyrus tries to convince everyone that she can get away with being ratchet when she is a rich white girl from Tennessee. It's embarrassing and sort of offensive to the intelligence of most sane human beings.

To be fair, this version of "Two Front Teeth" tries to at least make it sound like a child is singing. It goes about achieving this by making a fully-grown adult sing in a high-pitched voice with a whistly lisp, and it really only succeeds in making it sound like the Griffins' pervy neighbor on Family Guy  is participating in a Christmas-themed karaoke session. (Which, honestly, seems like something he would do.) So now I'm annoyed and creeped out. You're making a strong case for moving on to the next round, "Two Front Teeth." But this round ain't over yet...


The Man With the Bag

In a word: Jazzy?

Select lyrics:

He'll be here
With the answer to the prayers that you made through the year
You'll get yours
If you've done everything you should extra special good
He'll make this December the one you'll remember
The best and the merriest you ever did have
Everybody's waitin' for the man with the bag
'Cause Christmas is coming again

Defining characteristics: Repetition, repetition, repetition. Once you've heard the first two parts of this song, you've heard EVERY part of this song, although the order does get shuffled around a bit as these two minutes and forty seconds stretch onward into eternity.

Evaluation: Hoo, boy. I hate this song. I can't get through a shift without hearing it at least three times, and what makes it especially annoying is the way the version our store plays really hits the sustained notes: "He'll be heeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!" "You'll get yooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOURS!" I couldn't find this version on youtube (thank you, Baby Jesus), so you'll just have to imagine it. I'll give you a moment.

Annoying, right?!

Aside from this and the incredibly twee (and grammatically incorrect) phrase "extra-special good," I'm not sure quite what it is about this song that irks me so. I like jazzy songs. I like upbeat Christmas stuff. It's a mystery. Maybe it's the way the song refuses to actually name Santa, like he's Beetlejuice or something. If we say his name, do we summon him? Does that make him angry? Will we all get moved to the naughty list or something? That would certainly make sense with the song's lyrics, which seem vaguely threatening when you take each line as an individual entity:

He'll be here

You'll get yours

He'll make this December the one you'll remember

Shivers.

And finally, why are you praying to SANTA? (Sorry--"Old Mr. Kringle." That's apparently what we call him now, if the first line of this song is to be believed.) I get that Christmas has become increasingly secular and commercial, but really, I think you've got your wires crossed. The "put the 'Christ' back in 'Christmas'" crowd will have something to say about this, let me assure you.

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Final verdict: "Two Front Teeth" is annoying for sure, but once it's over, it's over. "The Man With the Bag" will worm its way into your temporal lobe and stay there until next February. For its staying power, "The Man With the Bag" moves on to the next round.

Tomorrow: "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" vs. "Santa Looked A Lot Like Daddy." Get ready for some Christmas fun with the most dysfunctional families to ever be immortalized in song!