Saturday, December 7, 2013

Prelude to the Christmas Racket Bracket

Another holiday season is upon us, friends! Trees! Presents! Roast beast! And, last but most certainly not least, a selection of some of the worst music ever written!

Don't get me wrong, Christmas music is sort of my jam. I have not one, not two, but three separate Christmas playlists in my iTunes. However, my childlike love of Christmas music does not prevent me from observing that some of it is godawful, and what's worse is that once November rolls around, DJs the world over are suddenly unable to distinguish music people actually like from music that makes people want to launch themselves into space, where nothing awaits them but the blissful silence of certain death.

The other problem with Christmas music is that it's overplayed. When you think about it, you really can't name more than what, fifty Christmas songs in regular rotation? And those fifty songs get played all day, every day, for two whole months. What's worse is that every song has been covered by at least three artists, so you end up hearing "Sleigh Ride" eight billion times--two billion Boston Pops, two billion Carpenters, two billion Motowns, two billion of whatever other versions are out there (and believe me, there are a lot).

So this year I set out to discover which Christmas song was the most annoying one of all time. I feel particularly qualified to pass judgment in this arena given that this is my fifth year of working retail at Christmas time, but to make this whole experiment as inclusive as possible I solicited opinions from family, friends, and co-workers. And let me tell you, the results were fascinating.

So here's how this competition for worst-of-the-worst works. I made a list, with input and suggestions from others, of sixteen of the most annoying songs I could think of. (In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I maintained complete veto power over the list, and perhaps my threshold for "annoying" is different from that of a normal human being. For instance, I find "Dominick the Donkey" to be a delightful and whimsical Christmas ditty, and not a blight on the face of holiday music the world over. So sue me.) Anyway, the sixteen songs that made the list get put up on a bracket, March Madness-style. I will eliminate one song every day from now until Christmas Eve, at which point I will name the most annoying Christmas song of all time and we can all get drunk on spiked eggnog to try and forget its very existence. Sound like a plan? Excellent!

In the meantime, here are the songs that didn't quite make the cut--the dishonorable mentions, if you will. In no particular order:

1. The Chipmunk Song. I added this to the list out of a sense of obligation, because I know that a song that is this repetitive and sung in three-part artificially high-pitched harmony is a monstrosity. However, I sort of enjoy the Chipmunk Song. A casual poll of my co-workers revealed no deep-seated hatred of this song, which frankly shocked me. So off the list it went.

2. Do They Know It's Christmas? Okay, so I actually like this song quite a bit, even though it's probably one of the biggest downers in all of Christmas carol-dom. It mostly made the list on the strength of the last two minutes, where a chorus of people famous in the mid-80s sings "FEED-THE-WOOOOOORLD, LET! THEM! KNOW! IT'S! CHRIST! MAS! TIME!" over and over and over again. Yes, this four-minute and thirty-eight-second song spends a full two minutes repeating nine measly words. Maybe this is a meta commentary on the ad nauseum repetition of Christmas music in general? Or maybe they really, really want you to get the message that you should feed the world and let them know it's Christmas? I guess. Anyway, people in Africa are dying in a myriad of horrible ways. Enjoy your turkey, selfish Americans!

3. Do You Hear What I Hear? Oh boy, these titles just kill me. Let's just stop naming songs with rhetorical questions. Anyway, this was my absolute favorite Christmas carol as a kid, so I felt like a traitor for putting it on the list. But here's how it goes down these days: whenever one of the hundred and fifty versions (not exaggerating) of "Do You Hear What I Hear?" comes on the radio, I get all excited and sing along until about the second verse, when I realize that the plot of this song is moving along slower than that of The Old Man and the Sea. And then I get bored and the repetition starts to annoy me. But I was relieved when more annoying stuff bumped it off the list.

4. I'm Gettin' Nuttin' for Christmas. Good. You don't deserve anything for Christmas, you little bastard. I don't even feel a little bit sorry for you. You want sympathy? Come back when the only water you have available is the bitter sting of your own tears. Your move.

5. All Alone on Christmas. The only thing that makes this different from the million other "I'm all alone" pop songs is the inclusion of Christmas. Cry me a river, Darlene Love, and as long as you don't have to drink your tears afterward in a desperate attempt to stave off dehydration, you're doing better than the kids in Africa. (FEED-THE-WOOOOOOOORLD!)

So, with these songs out of the way, here's our bracket for Most Annoying Christmas Song! (Click to enlarge, and try not to be too jealous of my incredible skills in MS Paint.)




Get pumped, everyone. It's going to be a jolly couple of weeks.

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