Grab Some Popcorn and Lower Your Expectations: It's Summer Movie Time

Summer
+ two days off in a row
+ sudden (free) appearance of many premium movie channels on my cable plan
+ my inherent laziness and abhorrence of exercise
= lotsa movie-watching fun

So, yeah, I did some sitting in front of the tube. And I've come to help you decide which movie to waste your time on this summer.

Please note that not all of these movie were watched during my aforementioned two days off. I'm not that big of a loser, thank you.

WALL-E
See. It. Now.

I did not particularly want to see WALL-E, but seeing as a bunch of my friends were going and I had a free movie pass, I figured 'why not?' So I saw. And I loved. And I discussed its merit with Jess in the ladies' room after the movie was over, because we each drank half a pitcher of orange soda during the movie. (That's was the reason for the setting of the discussion, not the discussion itself, FYI.)

Anyway, WALL-E was cute for kids, but semi-disturbing for adults who actually comprehend that - spoiler alert? - the movie is set in a post-apocalyptic world where "Buy'n'Large" (aka WALMART! cough) has taken over, humans are all morbidly obese, and organic matter is practically non-existent under all the trash and junk.

I bet you anything that somebody still threw trash out the window of his/her car on the way home from the theatre. Sort of like how my friend Erica went to Friendly's and ordered chicken fingers immediately after seeing Chicken Run.

The Pursuit of Happyness
Is there a 'the' at the beginning, or is it just "Pursuit of Happyness"? Oh, well, it probably doesn't matter if the movie's title is spelled wrong on purpose anyway.

Anyway, a certain person had ruined the entire plot of this movie two years before I saw it, so some (okay, all) of the cool time-saving tactics Chris Gardner (aka Will Smith) used were spoiled. Not that it really matters. But all the other plot points were kinda 'old news' after that, too, you know?

Anyhoo, I knew that this was gonna be an uplifting movie, but it took a looooong time to get there. Like 116 minutes (the movie was 118 minutes long, says my On Demand). But don't be discouraged, grasshopper. I may have spoiled the ending's mood, but at least you know it ends happily, and happy spoilers are always nicer than "Oh, by the by, everyone and their mom dies at the end and then the world explodes."

I Am Legend
Was forced to watched I Am Legend by Jess and Nicole. Can't really say anything about it without giving stuff away...yeah, it was one of thooose movies. I will leave you these tantalizing bits, though:
- Will Smith runs
- Will Smith shoots gun at stuff
- Will Smith has a dog
- Will Smith has flashbacks
- Will Smith talks to mannequins
- Will Smith performs experiments
- Will Smith blows stuff up
- Will Smith quotes Shrek (my personal favorite)
- Will Smith raps about how his life got flipped, turned upside down...wait, wrong show.

Herbie: Fully Loaded
I was channel-surfing in my room at about 12:45 am (which is 45 minutes past MIDNIGHT, people-who-don't-understand-the-difference-between-twelve-am-and-twelve-pm) when all of a sudden--
Me: Ohmigod, is that the Mac guy from the "I'm-a-Mac-I'm-a-PC" ads?!
Justin Long: *smiles at Lindsay Lohan*
Me: You're not especially good-looking, Justin Long, but you are oh so very attractive. How does that even work?!*

*Scientists don't understand why Justin Long's lack of Brad Pitt good looks makes him that much more attractive to some. They call it the Justin Long Paradox.

So, yes, I watched Herbie: Fully Loaded solely because I-can't-really-explain-it-but-I-sort-of-have-a-thing-for Justin Long. But let me tell all you other people out there who are Justin Long fans: the film was not worth it. Even though I may have teared up at the end. But it was two in the morning and I had just realized that I would never get the last hour-and-fifteen-minutes of my life back.

Amelie
C'est fantastique!!! Even though it's entirely in French, there are subtitles for all of us non-French-speaking people. Although the subtitles don't make the plot(s) any less bizarre. The movie is hilarious and touching, though. Added bonus: Leave it on (without the subtitles) when company is coming over, then shut it off and be all, "Oh, sorry, just enjoying my artsy foreign film." And then pray that your guests a.) don't speak French, and b.) haven't seen the movie.

Chocolat
Since I first saw this movie at the age of eleven? twelve? it had been fixed in my mind as a rather long and boring movie, not a "bittersweet treat" as claimed in the summary provided by my cable company. However, on a second viewing, I could fully appreciate the movie...and Johnny Depp. Oh, but that Johnny Depp would sail down the river into my town and try to sell me overpriced knickknacks whilst strumming a guitar! Of course, if that ever happened, I'd have to stop being friends with Maria because of her deep-rooted Johnny Depp phobia. Sorry, Maria.

The Importance of Being Earnest
Okay. I only watched it because Colin Firth was in it. But I genuinely liked it! In a surprising turn (note sarcasm), Judi Dench plays a crotchety upper class snob. But, yeah. Funny movie. Even my sister, who hates British films and British actors and British humor and, well, anything British (in colonial times, I swear she would have been the first one dumping tea into the harbor) liked The Importance of Being Earnest. Which I guess just goes to show you the importance of being The Importance of Being Earnest. (Think about it for a second...there you go.)

Wow, better get some sleep soonish.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
Ha ha, At Wit's End, more like. Someone should inform Jerry Bruckheimer that the "3" in the title does not have to refer to the movie's length in hours.

Okay, I know it's way late, but here's the skinny (SPOILERS...?):

The East India Trading Company is doing...something evil. Do they ever explain what? Why were they out to get Jack Sparrow? How and when did they get control of the Flying Dutchman? Did this happen in the second movie (which I've seen three times and own on DVD)? If so, um, WHEN?!

Jack and Elizabeth have broken up...no they haven't...yes, they have...no, wait, I guess they hadn't because NOW they're breaking up for real - wait, false alarm...wait, why are you kissing THAT person?! That's not your significant other!

Johnny Depp is...wait, the Johnny Depps are...oh, bullocks.

That crazy chick is a goddess; no, it's Keira Knightley, but wait! One of the top-credited actors dies in the first third of the film?! WTF?!

Sorry, Keira Knightley, you aren't actually a goddess in human form (not in this movie, anyway). How about, as a consolation prize, we make you King of the Pirates? Sound good?

I have no idea what's going on at this point...I'm not even watching the movie, I'm just staring at the screen because I cannot comprehend anything that is happening. Whose side is anyone on? I swear to God, they switch sides more than...something that switches sides a lot.

And now there's a giant whirlpool. Great. Maybe it's the Bottomless Plot Hole sucking the entire film into the abyss.

Naturally, the whirlpool does not demolish our heroes, because then we'd have to spend the last twenty minutes watching the East India Trading Company do...what were they trying to accomplish again? This is, perhaps, the true reason why the pirates win. Because if they'd lost, the EIC would've carried out its evil plot, and not even the writers knew what that might be, so how could they possibly write a script on it?

Are you confused? Lemme tell you that this summary, despite its stream-of-consciousness style and questionable use of grammar, was still less complex than the movie's plot. It also makes far more sense.

To sum up: three hours is too long for a movie to hold its audience's attention (and for that audience to hold its collective bladder), but not long enough to adequately explain all of said movie's plot points.

And yet, I didn't totally hate it. Go figure.

Edward Scissorhands
I put off seeing it for a really long time because I knew it had a sad ending. (I gleaned this information from a conversation with my cousin, in which she said that Edward Scissorhands had a sad ending. Just call me Nancy Drew.)

Anyway, my sister assured me that the ending was "happy-sad-ish," so I gave it a try.

In all honesty, she was pretty much right...but was also completely wrong. If you've seen it, you know what I mean. Awesome movie, though, featuring that lady who played Mia in season seven (NOT season two) of Gilmore Girls as the neighborhood busybody/entrepreneur/horndog/Abigail Williams (it's a Crucible reference, duh).

Despite the "happy-sad-ish" ending, it's totally worth seeing.

And so concludes my Guide to Summer Movie Viewing.