Except for the fact that I keep catching myself humming those catchy-ass (and, in some cases, kitschy-ass) Christmas carols. This is problematic for two reasons. First, some of the catchiest Christmas songs cover such a ridiculous range that even anyone who's ever had to sing the Star-Spangled Banner looks at them as too much of a challenge, which means that I don't exactly sound stellar when I'm song-doodling them around the house.
"And the rockets' red glaaaaaaare...!"Second, a pretty significant fraction of the Christmas song milieu is barely tolerable even when you're hopped up on eggnog and Christmas spirit; it's pretty much absolutely insufferable to listen to any songs from this group after your Christmas buzz has faded and all that's left are huge electrical bills and three garbage bags full of paper you paid six bucks a roll for three weeks ago.
In a humanitarian effort to help you guys all move on, I'm going to break down this Christmas for you all, much the way that former athletes try to re-validate themselves by getting jobs with ESPN and passing judgment on the way current athletes are playing. So here is your post-Christmas rundown. You're welcome.
Part 1: The Music
1. Faux-Carols
Christmas has managed to inspire more songs than pretty much any other holiday. Halloween has made a valiant effort to catch up--name me one radio station that doesn't manage to squeeze in one quick play of "Monster Mash" on October 31--but eventually it has to admit defeat and co-opt non-holiday but remotely relevant-sounding tracks like "Spooky" and "Thriller."
Christmas, on the other hand, not content with having an entire genre of music to itself, slaps these other wussy holidays around and co-opts their songs as well. Did you know that "Over the River and Through the Woods" is a Thanksgiving song? Neither did I until I saw A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. The imagery is so reminiscent of "Jingle Bells" that you'd think that "Over the River" would have to be about Christmas, too.
Oh, wait, "Jingle Bells" is a Thanksgiving song too?! Does anyone want to drop any more knowledge bombs on me? Was Jesus's birth also attended by some pilgrims and a turkey? Did the wise men bring green bean casserole and pumpkin pie and start a rowdy post-dinner football game of Magi vs. Shepherds? Why are all my holidays melding together into one giant Christgiving mush?!
Also falling into this category is "What Child Is This?" aka "Greensleeves." The lyrics to "What Child Is This?" were written by William Chatterton Dix in 1865. Old Willy was apparently quite a wordsmith but not motivated enough to find someone to bang out a quick melody for him on a piano. Naturally, he just took an old English folk tune and used that instead.
We can't all luck into dream teams like these. Sorry, Wills.And finally, perhaps the biggest offender of all: "My Favorite Things." I don't care what anyone says, this is not a Christmas song. This is a show tune about liking things. If we're going to use that logic, I demand that "I Enjoy Being a Girl," "America," "Oh What a Beautiful Mornin'," and "I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here" all be declared Christmas carols posthaste. Someone get on that.
2. Songs That Celebrate Materialism
We as a society know what Christmas is supposed to be about: peace on Earth and goodwill toward men. We also know what Christmas is actually about: accumulating more stuff.
And mercilessly assaulting anyone who gets in the way of that goal.While most songs try not to put too fine a point on this (subtlety in a Christmas song? What?), they include passing references to it pretty much across the board. "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" is all "Look at the pretty lights! Trees! Snow!" until it gets to the bridge, at which point it basically just enumerates all the crap some bratty kids want for Christmas until their parents can't even stand to be around them anymore, although in the end it does suggest that Christmas is actually "within your heart."
"Get me some tinsel, stat!"Adding to the fun is "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas, Don't Be Late)," with its signature line, "Me, I want a HUUUUU-LAH HOOP!" What six-inch-tall rodents are going to do with a hula hoop is beyond me, but it doesn't seem to really be bothering anyone else for some reason. For the love of God, though, don't forget that Alvin STILL WANTS A HUUUUU-LAH HOOP!
And speaking of ridiculous requests, let's talk about Gayla Peevey's "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." "Only a hippopotamus will do," she insists, and you have to wonder what would constitute a hippopotamus substitute. "Oh, you see, Gayla," perhaps her mother said frantically, "the store was all out of hippopotamuses, but I got you a lovely rhinoceros! It's like a hippo, but on land and with horns!" (Fun fact: after the song became a hit, some people thought it would be a good idea to actually GIVE Gayla Peevey a hippopotamus. Ten-year-old Gayla, apparently being smarter than all the adults involved in this plan, donated said hippo to a zoo.)
Lest you go on thinking that only modern society has brainwashed us into thinking that Christmas is about stuff, I would like to present for your consideration "The Twelve Days of Christmas," wherein the singer's true love gives him/her 5 pieces of bling, 23 birds, and 50 HUMAN BEINGS (including associated instruments and possibly 8 cows). Who needs all that stuff? Why does a Christmas carol consider PEOPLE to be appropriate gifts (human trafficking?!)? Where is the recipient supposed to put all this stuff? Why would you give someone 23 birds but no one to clean up after them? (Presumably, the maids / dancers / lords / pipers / drummers are all busy milking / dancing / leaping / piping / drumming.)
And finally, no discussion of materialistic Christmas songs would be complete without "Santa Baby," wherein you're encouraged not only to want stuff but to prostitute yourself for it.
Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger...
3. Songs that Concentrate on the True Meaning of Christmas...But Are Actually Still About Wanting Stuff
Did you hear Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You" on the radio this holiday season? Of course you did, that shit was EVERYWHERE. It was on stations that played Christmas songs 24/7. It was on pop stations, since it is, technically, a pop song. It was on rap stations, since Mariah Carey is married to a (sort of) rapper and anyway there aren't any good Christmas rap songs.
Anyhoo, this song is supposed to be about how you love someone so much that you want their presence instead of their presents (see what I did there?). However, it actually becomes about eschewing everything good about Christmas (carols, Santa, magical reindeer, sleigh rides, snow, and CHILDREN'S LAUGHTER, for Pete's sake) and standing alone under a rapidly-dying (or plastic) seasonal plant, hoping wholeheartedly that the person who doesn't want you on any of the other 364 days of the year will throw you a pity kiss or something.
I feel a Christmas miracle coming on!
Then we have possibly the most annoying song of all time (non-Christmas songs included): "My Grown-Up Christmas List." The singer of this song, be it Natalie Cole, Amy Grant, or whoever, seems to have a very altruistic and mature idea of what a "Grown-Up Christmas List" should look like, as said list includes such easily gift-wrappable items as an end to all wars, friends for everyone, and never-ending love. These are admirable goals and all, but I think most people's ideas of what constitutes a "Grown-Up Christmas List" would include fewer abstract concepts and more references to sex, booze, and general debauchery.
Exhibit A.
If you thought "My Grown-Up Christmas List" was saccharine, though, think again: I'm about to pull out the trump card, also known as "The Christmas Shoes," which documents a child's heart-wrenching quest to buy shoes for his dying mother (because, despite their apparent importance to her health, they don't seem to be covered by insurance). Never mind the fact that where this woman is going, she most likely won't be needing new shoes. (I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Jesus doesn't really care. Where in the Bible does it say "No shirt, no shoes, no service"? Please, point it out to me.) What really bothers me about "The Christmas Shoes" is that it's almost five straight minutes of this simpering child trying to mooch free footwear off of strangers WHILE HIS MOTHER LAYS DYING. You know what? If I'm on my deathbed, just come and hold my freakin' hand. Don't drive all over the place looking for some damn Mary Janes, okay?
4. Songs That Are Actually Thinly-Veiled Threats
Sometimes, ya gotta deal with creepers, and Christmas is no exception. I'm far from the first person to comment on the immense sketchiness of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town," but in the spirit of Christmas music I'm gonna just go ahead and keep on beating that dead horse. "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake"? If this song were about your ex-boyfriend the next verse would be all about your restraining order, but because it's a Christmas song we're supposed to be HAPPY about this constant surveillance.
If he had a beard and a red suit, this would be totally acceptable...?
For real, though, you'd better be good for goodness sake.
"Here Comes Santa Claus" falls under this category as well, mostly because I think it's cut from the same fuzzy red cloth as "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" in terms of theme. Most of the lyrics are pretty innocuous, but I'm always slightly disturbed by the line that instructs me to "jump in bed and cover your head, because Santa Claus comes tonight." I don't understand why my Santa preparations need to be pretty much the same as my childhood preparations for withstanding an attack from the monsters I was convinced were under my bed. It casts kind of an ominous tone over things, don't you think?
Last but not least, we have "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," which definitely wins the award for "Most Unexpectedly Aggressive Christmas Carol." Sure, it starts off innocently and cheerily enough by repeatedly telling its listeners to have a merry Christmas and a happy new year, but then verses two and three cross some threshold similar to the one that separates an amusingly tipsy friend from a belligerent terror. "Now bring us some figgy pudding!" demands verse two, apparently expecting some sort of payment for the jolly well-wishing put forth a verse earlier. And then, just to show they mean business, verse three's singers warn you that "we won't go until we get some." Eeesh. Christmas has never been quite so terrifying.
"Take the figgy pudding! For the love of God, just take it! I don't even know what's so great about it!"
Merry Christmas, suckas.
And speaking of ridiculous requests, let's talk about Gayla Peevey's "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." "Only a hippopotamus will do," she insists, and you have to wonder what would constitute a hippopotamus substitute. "Oh, you see, Gayla," perhaps her mother said frantically, "the store was all out of hippopotamuses, but I got you a lovely rhinoceros! It's like a hippo, but on land and with horns!" (Fun fact: after the song became a hit, some people thought it would be a good idea to actually GIVE Gayla Peevey a hippopotamus. Ten-year-old Gayla, apparently being smarter than all the adults involved in this plan, donated said hippo to a zoo.)
Lest you go on thinking that only modern society has brainwashed us into thinking that Christmas is about stuff, I would like to present for your consideration "The Twelve Days of Christmas," wherein the singer's true love gives him/her 5 pieces of bling, 23 birds, and 50 HUMAN BEINGS (including associated instruments and possibly 8 cows). Who needs all that stuff? Why does a Christmas carol consider PEOPLE to be appropriate gifts (human trafficking?!)? Where is the recipient supposed to put all this stuff? Why would you give someone 23 birds but no one to clean up after them? (Presumably, the maids / dancers / lords / pipers / drummers are all busy milking / dancing / leaping / piping / drumming.)
And finally, no discussion of materialistic Christmas songs would be complete without "Santa Baby," wherein you're encouraged not only to want stuff but to prostitute yourself for it.
Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger...3. Songs that Concentrate on the True Meaning of Christmas...But Are Actually Still About Wanting Stuff
Did you hear Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You" on the radio this holiday season? Of course you did, that shit was EVERYWHERE. It was on stations that played Christmas songs 24/7. It was on pop stations, since it is, technically, a pop song. It was on rap stations, since Mariah Carey is married to a (sort of) rapper and anyway there aren't any good Christmas rap songs.
Anyhoo, this song is supposed to be about how you love someone so much that you want their presence instead of their presents (see what I did there?). However, it actually becomes about eschewing everything good about Christmas (carols, Santa, magical reindeer, sleigh rides, snow, and CHILDREN'S LAUGHTER, for Pete's sake) and standing alone under a rapidly-dying (or plastic) seasonal plant, hoping wholeheartedly that the person who doesn't want you on any of the other 364 days of the year will throw you a pity kiss or something.
I feel a Christmas miracle coming on!Then we have possibly the most annoying song of all time (non-Christmas songs included): "My Grown-Up Christmas List." The singer of this song, be it Natalie Cole, Amy Grant, or whoever, seems to have a very altruistic and mature idea of what a "Grown-Up Christmas List" should look like, as said list includes such easily gift-wrappable items as an end to all wars, friends for everyone, and never-ending love. These are admirable goals and all, but I think most people's ideas of what constitutes a "Grown-Up Christmas List" would include fewer abstract concepts and more references to sex, booze, and general debauchery.
Exhibit A.If you thought "My Grown-Up Christmas List" was saccharine, though, think again: I'm about to pull out the trump card, also known as "The Christmas Shoes," which documents a child's heart-wrenching quest to buy shoes for his dying mother (because, despite their apparent importance to her health, they don't seem to be covered by insurance). Never mind the fact that where this woman is going, she most likely won't be needing new shoes. (I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Jesus doesn't really care. Where in the Bible does it say "No shirt, no shoes, no service"? Please, point it out to me.) What really bothers me about "The Christmas Shoes" is that it's almost five straight minutes of this simpering child trying to mooch free footwear off of strangers WHILE HIS MOTHER LAYS DYING. You know what? If I'm on my deathbed, just come and hold my freakin' hand. Don't drive all over the place looking for some damn Mary Janes, okay?
4. Songs That Are Actually Thinly-Veiled Threats
Sometimes, ya gotta deal with creepers, and Christmas is no exception. I'm far from the first person to comment on the immense sketchiness of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town," but in the spirit of Christmas music I'm gonna just go ahead and keep on beating that dead horse. "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake"? If this song were about your ex-boyfriend the next verse would be all about your restraining order, but because it's a Christmas song we're supposed to be HAPPY about this constant surveillance.
If he had a beard and a red suit, this would be totally acceptable...?For real, though, you'd better be good for goodness sake.
"Here Comes Santa Claus" falls under this category as well, mostly because I think it's cut from the same fuzzy red cloth as "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" in terms of theme. Most of the lyrics are pretty innocuous, but I'm always slightly disturbed by the line that instructs me to "jump in bed and cover your head, because Santa Claus comes tonight." I don't understand why my Santa preparations need to be pretty much the same as my childhood preparations for withstanding an attack from the monsters I was convinced were under my bed. It casts kind of an ominous tone over things, don't you think?
Last but not least, we have "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," which definitely wins the award for "Most Unexpectedly Aggressive Christmas Carol." Sure, it starts off innocently and cheerily enough by repeatedly telling its listeners to have a merry Christmas and a happy new year, but then verses two and three cross some threshold similar to the one that separates an amusingly tipsy friend from a belligerent terror. "Now bring us some figgy pudding!" demands verse two, apparently expecting some sort of payment for the jolly well-wishing put forth a verse earlier. And then, just to show they mean business, verse three's singers warn you that "we won't go until we get some." Eeesh. Christmas has never been quite so terrifying.
"Take the figgy pudding! For the love of God, just take it! I don't even know what's so great about it!"Merry Christmas, suckas.
