Hello, friends!
In this topsy-turvy modern world, Thanksgiving isn't just what it used to be. It used to be a day for football, eating some good old home-cookin', and relaxing--unless you were a woman or an Indian, of course; then it was a day for doubling your normal workload around the house and being casually intimidated by your supposed allies. Those sure were the days!
The point is that some people are just intent on overturning Thanksgiving, of robbing it of all that is good and pure and holy and tastes like turkey. We have a word for these people. They're called vegetarians.
In the interest of political correctness, we cannot simply throw these people out into the snow on this, the most gluttonous holiday of all! So I've drafted a handy guide for getting through Thanksgiving when you're faced with--horror of all horrors!--a vegetarian.
1. Have a defensive speech prepared.
It doesn't matter if the vegetarian in your family has made no comment on the fact that you're all about to sit down and eat turkey. She's probably thinking judgmental thoughts anyway, and Thanksgiving is no time for judgmental thoughts. What if the Pilgrims had been judgmental about the Indians? Then the next 400 years of American history would have been fraught with tension and racism! Imagine the consequences!
To combat the holier-than-thou thoughts your vegetarian is most likely entertaining, you should have a lecture prepared. (The longer, more convoluted, and less informed, the better!) Some talking points include:
- Eating turkey is tradition, and tradition is important!
- Turkeys are delicious! And they're stupid! It's totally okay to eat stupid things, I'm pretty sure it says that in the Bible somewhere.
- What if vegetables have feelings, too, HMMMM?
- Just eat the dark meat, it barely counts.
- The turkey's already dead and cooked and you are being selfish. What about all the kids who are poor and don't get any turkey today? Think of the children, you godless heathen!
It's THANKSGIVING, for crying out loud. If not everyone eats the turkey, the world might implode, because the entire holiday was built on turkey and turkey alone. It was in no way the result of a turkey lobby or something. (You might also gloss over the fact that the Pilgrims did not eat turkey and instead partook of such delicacies as deer and eels.)
At any rate, for the good of humanity and for the sake of delicious food everywhere, you might need to get a little bit sneaky with your vegetarian's meal. Tell 'em it's Tofurkey--it just tastes so real, they won't even be able to tell the difference! (Vegetarians love talking about how "real" their fake meat products taste, so they will probably eat this one up--no pun intended.)
Also, mashed potatoes probably became a Thanksgiving staple for the sole purpose of tricking vegetarians into eating meat. Mix up a little gravy in there! Hide some white meat in there like it's a baby Jesus doll on Mardi Gras and the potatoes are your King's Cake!
3. Have a back-up plan.
Maybe you're really bad at stealth. Maybe your vegetarian was just too quick for you. (They're wily bastards, let me tell you.) Whatever the reason, your vegetarian definitely, DEFINITELY will not be eating any turkey at this family gathering. What's a host to do?
Obviously, it would be rude to let your guest go hungry, even if she is determined to UTTERLY RUIN everyone else's holiday by politely refusing to partake in the MOST DELICIOUS PART. So you should probably have some vegetarian-friendly food on hand, just in case. I like to supply my vegetarian guests with things like limp lettuce and maybe a paper napkin (for a filling fiber-rich dish!). Just make sure it tastes awful and can be found in a hamster cage, and I promise you they will gobble it up!
And a good thing, too, given how rare it is to find vegetarian-friendly dishes like potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots, peas, cornbread, parsnips, dinner rolls, squash, cranberry sauce, corn, asparagus, green bean casserole, pumpkin pie, apple crisp, or even salad on the average American's Thanksgiving table. What do they think this is, Canadian Thanksgiving?
4. Make sure you get your two cents in.
Vegetarians--so chatty. "No thank you, I don't eat turkey." BLECH. Make sure your voice is heard, too! Pre-meal grace is a prime opportunity for having your say. A sample script:
YOU: This year, I am grateful for this bountiful dinner, ESPECIALLY (look pointedly at vegetarian) this DELICIOUS TURKEY.
They'll get the message. Oh, they'll get it, all right.
5. Just shut up and eat.
Last resort, obviously, but in the event that all of these efforts fail and your vegetarian is still vegetarian by the end of the meal, just sit back, shut up, and enjoy a fantastic dinner with your loved ones. I mean, aside from the turkey (OBVIOUSLY) isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about?
Good luck, friend, and Happy Thanksgiving!
