More haikus about my thrilling life as a supermarket cashier. (Read part one here.)
I. Ode to Customers Who are Way Too Honest
When asked, "How are you?"
Just lie and say, "Doing fine"
Like everyone else.
II. Ode to Customers Who Get Worked Up Over Nothing
The world will not end
If your chips aren't double-bagged.
Just some perspective.
III. Ode to that Stupid "Must Be Free!" Joke
Har-har-dee-har-har
Never heard that one before!
Sir, you are the first.
IV. Ode to Customers Who Miss the Point
I don't think food stamps
Are really meant to cover
Eighteen packs of gum.
V. Ode to the Store Music
Soft rock's killing me.
Never thought I'd say this, but:
Can't wait for Christmas.
VI. Ode to People Who Complain About the Temperature
Why yes, it is cold.
Been standing here for hours,
So I noticed, too.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
A Salute to Latvia
Dearest blog readers,
I sincerely hope you are enjoying my blog. I know full well that most of what I put on here is me talking to myself in the hopes that someone will someday stumble upon this collection of my random ramblings, shout out loud, "By Jove, this woman is the bee's knees!" and then either offer me a book deal or turn my life into a sitcom destined to last less than one season. It's a long shot, I know, but if 50 Shades of Gray can leap from the depths of the internet to become a real thing, so can my life, even though it's decidedly less controversial and creepy.
A key part of my long-term blog/life success plan is Giving the People What They Want. I know how business works. You've got to pander to your demographic, and I'm not above selling out. And since half of my blog traffic last week came from Latvia, well...dodiet cilvēkiem, ko viņi vēlas, am I right?
So from now on until at least the end of this entry, the blog has a theme, and that theme is the glorious Republic of Latvia. Dievs, svētī Latviju!
The main problem here is that I don't really know very much about Latvia. So I did a little digging, and here are my favorite Latvian search results. Based on what I found, I think we can all agree that Latvia holds the coolness trump card for planet Earth. See for yourself:
Latvian Folk Calendar (for sale on eBay)
Obviously, I can't read Latvian, despite what my excellent (?) Google translating skills (see above, re: "dodiet cilvēkiem, ko viņi vēlas") might suggest. So I need to use context clues for this one. Based on the picture, it appears that this calendar features a Latvian folk tale about Rabbit, a school crossing guard who sneaks his friends Mouse and Royal-Yet-Nondescript Bug onto the school's track, where they hold clandestine dance parties and consistently outwit their arch-nemesis, the Dark Ethereal Shape ominously approaching from the right.
I think I might want this to become a TV pilot even more than my own life. I would watch the hell out of this show.
Coco the Clown (read more here)
Does this guy haunt your dreams? (He does now! Mwa ha ha.)
Well, you can thank Latvia. Or, more accurately, you can thank Latvia's Nicolai Poliakoff, creator of Coco the Clown. Even in the blissful years before reality TV, people liked to laugh at the misfortunes of others, and as a result old Nicolai took a whole bunch of custard pies right in the kisser.
Fun fact: his son (whom Wikipedia calls "a longtime circus 'Producing Clown,'" whatever that means) apparently "designed the post-1960s Ronald McDonald." Two dream-haunting clowns for the price of one! Thanks, Latvia!
Badass Fairytale Architecture (from Flickr)
This sort of looks like if M.C. Escher decided to design homes for woodland creatures in fairy tales. I need to move here. I need to live here. I need to have quirky adventures with singing animals here.
WAIT, hold up, it's a sauna?! I need to take a steam with Bambi or something! This is almost too awesome to exist. Latvia, prepare yourself. I'm coming over there.
I sincerely hope you are enjoying my blog. I know full well that most of what I put on here is me talking to myself in the hopes that someone will someday stumble upon this collection of my random ramblings, shout out loud, "By Jove, this woman is the bee's knees!" and then either offer me a book deal or turn my life into a sitcom destined to last less than one season. It's a long shot, I know, but if 50 Shades of Gray can leap from the depths of the internet to become a real thing, so can my life, even though it's decidedly less controversial and creepy.
A key part of my long-term blog/life success plan is Giving the People What They Want. I know how business works. You've got to pander to your demographic, and I'm not above selling out. And since half of my blog traffic last week came from Latvia, well...dodiet cilvēkiem, ko viņi vēlas, am I right?
So from now on until at least the end of this entry, the blog has a theme, and that theme is the glorious Republic of Latvia. Dievs, svētī Latviju!
The main problem here is that I don't really know very much about Latvia. So I did a little digging, and here are my favorite Latvian search results. Based on what I found, I think we can all agree that Latvia holds the coolness trump card for planet Earth. See for yourself:
Latvian Folk Calendar (for sale on eBay)
Obviously, I can't read Latvian, despite what my excellent (?) Google translating skills (see above, re: "dodiet cilvēkiem, ko viņi vēlas") might suggest. So I need to use context clues for this one. Based on the picture, it appears that this calendar features a Latvian folk tale about Rabbit, a school crossing guard who sneaks his friends Mouse and Royal-Yet-Nondescript Bug onto the school's track, where they hold clandestine dance parties and consistently outwit their arch-nemesis, the Dark Ethereal Shape ominously approaching from the right.
I think I might want this to become a TV pilot even more than my own life. I would watch the hell out of this show.
Coco the Clown (read more here)
Does this guy haunt your dreams? (He does now! Mwa ha ha.)
Well, you can thank Latvia. Or, more accurately, you can thank Latvia's Nicolai Poliakoff, creator of Coco the Clown. Even in the blissful years before reality TV, people liked to laugh at the misfortunes of others, and as a result old Nicolai took a whole bunch of custard pies right in the kisser.
Fun fact: his son (whom Wikipedia calls "a longtime circus 'Producing Clown,'" whatever that means) apparently "designed the post-1960s Ronald McDonald." Two dream-haunting clowns for the price of one! Thanks, Latvia!
Badass Fairytale Architecture (from Flickr)
This sort of looks like if M.C. Escher decided to design homes for woodland creatures in fairy tales. I need to move here. I need to live here. I need to have quirky adventures with singing animals here.
WAIT, hold up, it's a sauna?! I need to take a steam with Bambi or something! This is almost too awesome to exist. Latvia, prepare yourself. I'm coming over there.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Quotes Directly from the MB
MAN (appropos to nothing): I hope my knucklehead son remembers to stir the soup.
LITTLE GIRL: Daddy, can I get this candy?
GOOD FATHER: No, you already had candy today.
LITTLE GIRL: See, this is why I want a nice dad.
GOOD FATHER: You can't have candy every day!
LITTLE GIRL: You're so mean every day.
(These two should get their own sitcom. I'd watch it.)
CUTE LITTLE GIRL: What's your name?
ME: My name's Renée. What's your name?
(Long pause, then:)
CUTE LITTLE GIRL: JJJJJJJAAAASSSSSSSSSMMIIIIINNNNEEEEEE!
MOTHER: That's not your name! Tell her your real name!
GRANDMOTHER, to child trying to sneak out candy: NO! If you don't put that back right now, the policeman will come and take it away!
WOMAN (in a different line, completely out of the blue): Why does your name tag say "four years"?
ME: ...I'm sorry?
WOMAN: Your name tag. Why does it say "four years"?
ME: Because I've been working here for four years.
(embarrassed pause)
WOMAN: Oh.
You can't make this stuff up.
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